123 Magic: How to Agree on Raising and Disciplining Kids

    Back when Kim and I were foster parents, they trained us in the “123 Magic” method of child-rearing.  The agency didn’t allow foster children to be spanked and offered us this alternative, which we learned a lot from!

Kids Need Consequences

    There is a difference between punishment and consequence.  If your child has been told not to touch the hot stove and does so anyway, they will be burned.  The burn is not punishment, but a consequence – something that happens as a direct result of disobedience. Another way to look at it is simply that a consequence is something they earn.  Punishment, on the other hand, is something we do as parents in retaliation to disobedience. Have you ever seen kids that run the home and the parents seem like the servants of the kids?  This is the direct result of punishment vs. consequences. Even if these kids make it through school and out of the house, what type of adults would they turn out to be? What would they be like for their spouses to live with?

    Many of us have been stopped by a police officer while driving.  At first sight of the lights behind us, we check our speed and realize we’re going over the speed limit.  We get a tight stomach and start to worry instinctively. We pull over and as the officer approaches, we might look in the mirror and see what kind of mood they are in (hopefully they are smiling).  Our hands might get sweaty or shaky and we are anxious to be on our best behavior. Have you ever wondered why we get so worked up? It’s because the police officer has the authority to give us something that we think will make our lives miserable… that little piece of paper called a traffic ticket.  We get agitated because this person has the authority to give us a consequence to our behavior. Now, if this officer should give you a ticket for speeding, are they punishing you? No, you are getting the consequences of your action.

    Contrast this with an officer who could only stand on the street corner and yell at you when you speed.  No ticket. No threat of court. Would you get as nervous and upset? I don’t think so. You might even speed by and smile.  A lot of parenting styles are just like standing on the street corner and yelling… and they wonder why their kids don’t listen.

     The difference between punishment and consequence is the main thing we learned from 123 Magic.  In the past, I had heard that we shouldn’t spank our children out of anger, which was interesting –  I never found another time I wanted to spank them. When I punished, I got emotionally involved, and I didn’t like myself in the aftermath and found myself full of regret.  With 123 Magic, the heated emotions were cast out of child-rearing, and I was able to like myself afterwards. Here’s how we adapted it:

One

   We learned that when a child does something that needs correcting, we simply, unemotionally said, “One.”  Now, the child knew what we were referring to 99% of the time. If they didn’t know what they did wrong, they had the right to ask what they did and we would calmly tell them.  

Two

    If the child did the same thing again, we simply and unemotionally said, “Two.”  Now, you might think a child will want to take you to two every time just to mess with you.  They said that’s not common and we found that to be true.

Three

   If the child continued to do the same thing, we would simply and unemotionally say, “Three.”  Do you notice that anger and threats are absent here? What happened next was a predetermined consequence that we all knew would take place.  You and your spouse will have to agree on what the consequence is, tailoring it to what is best for your kids.

    Our family lived out in the country, and about six hundred feet from our back door was a railroad tie used as a corner post.  When “three” was reached, the child had to run to the post and back. We had to agree upon a few ground rules:

1. They had to run out and touch the post – immediately. Amazingly, we never got long looks or arguments from the kids, they just ran.  Part of this was because we were consistent.
2. This is a “come as you are party”.  Even if it was winter or pouring rain and they were wearing pajamas, well, they should have thought of that first (this kept them from drawing out the consequence by going to get dressed, etc).  
3. If we were in the car when this happened, they were to run to the post and back immediately when we got home.  If they had compiled several “threes”, they would do all of them at this time.

    We used the post out back as the consequence our kids earned.  You need to work with your spouse to come up with what is best for you, but I would caution you not to choose something that is shaming or demeaning to the child.  There was no shame in running out to touch a post. If we had company and a child reached “three”, the child would simply come up missing for a few minutes as they ran outside and back.  The company never knew what was happening.

    Kim and I brought the idea home and we had a family meeting with our three children and the three foster children.  Our children were about 9, 7 and 5, and the foster children were younger. We told them that we would like to try a new system of discipline, explaining the system fully and answering their questions.  We said that we would like to try the system for three weeks and then have another family meeting to get their input on what they thought of it.

    Because we had laid it out so well, it wasn’t too hard to implement.  After three weeks, we gathered the children and asked what they thought.  They all liked the new system. Kim and I liked it because we no longer got upset, we just said a number.  I also liked that no one argued over the consequence they had earned – they just did it.

    Through 123 Magic, I learned something about myself that I was ashamed of. Our daughter Hannah (who was rather timid) said she liked the new system because before, she didn’t know what the rules were on any given day.  She said she could do something daily but then all of a sudden, there came a day where I’d get upset over something I normally didn’t care about, all because I was in a bad mood. In the new system, Hannah knew when I said, “One,” that I was just grumpy and knew she couldn’t do a certain thing that day.

     I was glad she told me, but I was so ashamed!  After she exposed my inconsistency, I could see what I’d been doing and how I’d been blind to it.  I sincerely tried to change this behavior, and I don’t know that I spanked the kids after that. The 123 Magic method gave us all respect for each other.

Remember, consistency is key.  If you adopt 123 Magic, stay consistent and give it some time for everyone to adjust.  We hope it gives your home a calming, respectful feel as it did for us.

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