It’s not if a miscommunication will happen, it is when it happens.  Let’s face it: miscommunications happen to us a lot more than we think they should.

     I had thought that the older I got the fewer miscommunications Kim and I would have, but since my hearing isn’t 20-20 anymore, it has opened up a whole new window for miscommunication. I will ask Kim, “What did you say?” and she will tell me again… and sometimes I wasn’t even close.  Sometimes it makes for a good laugh and other times it can be frustrating.

     So what can you do when you find yourself in the middle of a miscommunication? Here are three suggestions:

Stop talking 

     It’s our natural tendency to defend ourselves, but in marriage, we are a team, so defending yourself isn’t generally a good idea.  Most times it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, what’s important is that we reason together… and that isn’t going to happen when I get defensive.  Take a moment to think about what is really happening. It has been said that only about 30% of us realize our own emotions, so take a moment and get a reading on what is happening with yourself.  The goal here isn’t to win the argument, but to use skill and resolve the conflict. Winning and resolving take two totally different mindsets. Also, if you win, you will have to do it over and over whenever a miscommunication happens. If you learn to resolve instead, it will serve you for a lifetime.

Start listening 

     The best thing to do is to examine what started the misunderstanding.  Once again, if we can examine what started it, we may be able to learn how to avoid having it happen as much in the future.  We don’t often realize it, but conflict resolution is a learned behavior. We may have learned it at home, school or work, but it has become the way we handle things.  I’ve found this to be true with people who are in a second marriage. They learned a method of disagreeing with their first spouse, often defending themselves to be heard, but now their new spouse isn’t at all like their first and doesn’t understand this kind of behavior.  You will need to change how you interact, or your second spouse will be paying the price for the behavior you learned with your first spouse. Also, listening to your spouse will only deescalate the misunderstanding.  

     A few days ago, I questioned Kim because I asked her a question and she didn’t answer me but instead said something that didn’t register to me.  I wasn’t angry, but I was inconvenienced by it so I explained how I felt. She then explained that she had, in fact, answered me, but I had misunderstood and taken it the wrong way.  This is especially true early in a relationship. Early in a relationship, we establish how we will communicate and change usually doesn’t come without some effort. You need to make sure you are willing to put in the effort.

Express understanding 

     It’s been said that the greatest issue with communication is the assumption that it has taken place.  We are human and sometimes the message gets lost in the transfer from one to another. Kim and I have come to understand that miscommunication is just that, missed communication. It is communication that we thought had happened, but it didn’t.   It’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. Two minds just didn’t connect on the same frequency. When you stop and think about it, it’s amazing we communicate as well as we do. That helps us understand, get over and forget the issue. This is a time when reflective listening is helpful.  Listen and then say, “What I hear you saying is…”. That can only help the issue. Everyone feels better when you take the initiative to understand them.  

     Miscommunications are going to happen, but if we learn to stop talking, start listening and express understanding, we will be on the way to not only resolving and preventing misunderstandings, we will also be on the way to better understanding each other and showing grace and mercy to the one we vowed to love and cherish… and that is what we’re after in a marriage relationship.