Marriage is about commitment.  This is something that we have probably all struggled with at one time or another in our marriage.  Did I sign up for this rodeo? We believe that by pledging our allegiance to our spouse and keeping it at the forefront of our marriage, our commitment will be strengthened and grow through the years.

“I pledge allegiance, to the flag…”  We all know how that goes. Have you ever asked yourself, what is allegiance?  The commitment of a soldier comes to mind. Words like loyalty, commitment and faithfulness come to mind when thinking about allegiance.  These words also emulate a good attitude towards marriage.

Why do we read a marriage blog?  I would hope it would be to learn some new thoughts, some new concepts that might change the way we look at things and when we apply these things our lives will change for the better.  Hopefully, you are open to new ways of thinking. I’m going to challenge some of you. I’m going to challenge your thoughts about allegiance. I can hear a few of you groaning all the way here in Indiana.  It doesn’t make this any less true though. Be open-minded and hear me out. Kim and I taught our children that our first allegiance goes to God. We also taught them that after that, of all our earthly allegiances, the first allegiance goes to our spouse.  Marriage is the only relationship where two people can become one flesh. It’s biblical. It’s God’s will. Our first allegiance is not the parent to child, child to parent, sibling to sibling or any other relationship. This “one flesh” relationship is ordained by God.  It is special and should supersede all our other earthly relationships.

Here’s how I explained allegiance to my children.  When I was 13, my dentist from Indiana was vacationing in Florida.  He was walking down the sidewalk with his wife when a car driven by a drunken driver jumped the curb and came at them.  My dentist didn’t have to think twice about what to do. As a reflex, he pushed his wife to safety and took the impact of the car himself, giving his life in the process.  I explain to my children that in the same circumstance I would give my life for theirs. It wouldn’t be a thought process, but a reflex. I would die for them and this is because I love them so much.

I then go on to explain that while I would die for them, God gave me a special responsibility to love their mom above the rest of our family.  What it comes down to is that I need to put mom first in order to show you how to live a great marriage God’s way. Let’s face it if I have a son and I give him my first allegiance and you raise a daughter and give her your first allegiance, and they meet and get married – nitro meets glycerin – BOOM!  You see, neither was taught how to have a successful marriage. They were taught that the world revolved around them, so when they got married, each of their expectations are that their spouse should cater to their needs, just like their parents did, and if these kids have kids, they may very well repeat the process and it goes on and on.  Obviously, their spouse isn’t about to cater to anyone’s needs except their own. So, the only way we can set our kids up for a successful marriage is to model one. Remember, kids don’t learn what they’re taught, but what is caught. In other words, they don’t do as we say, they do as we do. If we want our kids to have a successful marriage, we will model God’s way to live a successful marriage.

It’s not uncommon to have someone at a premarital session say, “My mom (or dad) has done this.  They put me above their spouse. I understand what you are saying and I don’t want to do that.” More than one young lady has even admitted that they have been raised like a princess.

Let’s look at several scenarios of marriage.

Let’s call this the ideal model.

Two people become good friends, start to date, begin to learn to love one another (as much as you can understand love at this point), decide to get married, spend several years of their early marriage getting to know one another and working out differences.  They get their finances, relationships, and spiritual walk healthy. They even get their home set up for the future, which includes kids. Now they bring their child into the best possible environment or foundation.

Uncertain Model

A couple gets pregnant outside of marriage and brings a child into the world without a solid foundation.  There is much more stress and uncertainty in the relationship… and a child is born into this. In fact, many women have told me that they got married because she was pregnant.  They then say, “I know he loves me now, but I will always wonder if he would have married me if I weren’t pregnant.” This can contribute to the uncertainty of marriage.

Let’s Fix It Model

Here’s one we see a lot of.  Two people get married and after a few years things aren’t going well so they come up with a brilliant plan, “Let’s have a baby!”  Maybe the fact that their friends are having kids makes it look like a good thing. But they have not cemented their relationship as a married couple so when the new one comes along, the relationship that wasn’t good gets worse.  Mom throws her allegiance into the baby and – dad… feeling like the one left out… throws his allegiance into his work and/or hobbies. Have you ever noticed how many people get divorced after the nest is empty? If they never cemented their relationship with one another and then threw their allegiances into things other than their married relationship, it’s no wonder this would happen.

I tell young couples that the culmination of the love of a husband and wife are children.  I tend to believe that nothing will pull your marriage apart more than a child. The effect children have on your finances, emotional and physical energy and lack of sex drive all can take its toll on a relationship.  All parents have experienced a child asking permission for something and when you say no they run to the other parent and ask the same question. Children are divisive by nature. If they can divide you to get their way, they win.  The best advice I got on raising children came from a lady that taught our childbirth class for our first child. She said, “You are not going to live with your child. Your child is coming to live with you.”  In other words, instead of building a world for them that doesn’t demonstrate a strong marriage, build a strong marriage and let them watch and absorb so they can replicate it.  Don’t get me wrong, Kim and I are so happy we had our children. We can’t imagine our lives without them, but children are a strain on the marriage. We’re so glad we had them, but at the time we had no idea what we were getting into.  We give the best years of our lives to our children… and now we have a legacy of leaving these productive, caring Christian people to the world even after we are gone. Having our allegiance properly placed contributed to this success.

How do you get this principle across to the kids?

Young kids often think it isn’t fair if they don’t get their way or have an equal vote in the home.  This doesn’t surprise me. What does surprise me is that some parents let the inexperienced, immature children have a vote or worse yet, dictate the household.  I have sometimes wondered just when the child took over the household? I have a very quick wit coupled with very dry humor so here’s what I did when our kids said something wasn’t fair.  Our three children were about 8, 10 and 12 when this happened. After hearing, “That’s not fair” about something in our household I asked them to go to the bookshelf and get a dictionary (this was before the internet and Wikipedia – the source of all knowledge – OK, I’m joking about that).  I asked them to look up the word “dictator”. They said it meant “one who ruled, even to the point of oppression.” Very, very good, I said. Now I asked them to look up the word “peon”. They reported that this was “a person of lowly stature with no rights”. I told them I loved it. I then explained to them that while in the USA we live in a democracy, our home was not a democracy, but a dictatorship – and mom and I were the dictators and that they were the peons.  I explained that they were not in charge. They knew that I loved them and I was going a bit overboard with my humor, but the die was cast. I explained and they understood that mom and I would stand together no matter what because God had placed us at the head of the house to help them to grow up to be responsible adults and someday raise responsible kids of their own.

God placed the mom and dad at the head of the home so they could train the children to be responsible adults.  This will not happen where the children have the allegiance of a parent instead of the parents sharing the allegiance.  This will not happen if the child is in charge of the home. A child cannot lead the home because of their immaturity, inexperience, and lack of sound judgment.

Here’s an allegiance challenge for:

• newly marrieds that already have kids
• a parent that has “checked out” of their marriage
• someone who has kids and is not married for whatever reason…
  • never married
  • divorced
  • or widowed

They will have almost always transferred their allegiance to their children.  Once they have done this, I can’t say that I’ve seen it transfer to the person that they marry.  I’ve had great people come and go through premarital counseling and I explain this to them. They nod their head and agree their kids have their allegiance.  I then advise them to work toward transferring their allegiance to their new spouse. Here’s why. A child will not know how to live a Godly marriage unless it is modeled to them.  

Allegiance and your child getting married

Allegiance is something that can be difficult to change or transfer.  For you parents (often the mothers) with married kids, please do them a huge favor and take a big step back when they get married.  Even if they don’t want you to, take a step back. Your child is still your child, but you are interfering with God’s plan if you stand between your child and their spouse.  God has called them to be one flesh, not you. If this is you, then maybe it’s time to rebuild your “one flesh” with your spouse if you have one. If you don’t have a spouse, recognize this and get some good counseling help so you can free yourself from your child and free them to have a successful marriage.  Don’t give me the “I’m their mother” excuse. Yes, you are, and always will be, but according to God, your role changes when they get married. Break the umbilical cord and allow them to have a Godly marriage.  Their union is emotional, physical and spiritual and there is no place for you to supersede in this union.  God did not mince words when instructing a married couple to leave their parents. The Hebrew word for leave used in Genesis 2:24, which states that “a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife.” means “to abandon dependence upon,” “leave behind,” “release,” and “let go.”  Will they make mistakes? Yes, I guarantee it. Will they have some failures? Yes, I guarantee it, but this is what makes for interdependence and oneness.  Please get out of the way and let them live their lives. In Matthew 19:6 Jesus tells us that no one should separate that which God has joined together. That includes parents.  Somehow you believe it is a stand of strength, but I assure you it is a stand of pride and weakness.   I’ve read the text of a client from her mother-in-law that warned her new daughter-in-law not to get between her and her son because ‘I have the power to make him divorce you if I want to’.  How misguided and selfish that is.

Parents, I find it best to communicate your intention to step back before your child marries.  Explain that you want them to have the best Godly marriage and you realize you will need to step back.   

There are no shortcuts to this.  Your spouse needs to know that they are first in your life.  Hopefully, you have modeled this to your children and they are ready to emulate this in their marriage.  The allegiance must be in the right place. You won’t have a “One flesh” marriage without it.

You can watch this post on video here.