Here’s something to ponder.  Yes, you are married, but how good of a friend are you with your spouse?  We find a groove in our marriage and it becomes who we are, but how is your friendship?  Let’s take a look at this topic.

Mitch’s Input:
     We met some people who moved into town and the wife asked Kim if she was in a women’s coffee group. Kim said no.  The lady told her she was good at getting women together to talk and said she would invite her. After they left, Kim and I talked and tried to reason exactly what she was talking about.  We each have our own friends, but neither of us feels the need to get together with just the guys or gals. I’ve heard women say, “Well, there are just some things you can’t talk to your husband about.”  I’m not sure how to take that. I’m not saying it is wrong to meet with other women. I just have trouble understanding why there are certain things a couple can’t talk about. I can’t think of anything I can’t talk to Kim about that I would have to go and share with another guy.  If I have a big decision, I will talk to Kim about it and I may also go and talk with a guy friend about it. Kim understands how I’m wired and how I reason. I don’t have things I can’t talk with Kim about or find it easier to talk with a guy about.

Kim’s Input:
     Mitch is my best friend.  I want to be around him more than anyone else in this world.  I don’t feel the need to get away and talk with other women. I can talk to Mitch about anything.  I can see how women who are home all day (with or without kids) and their husbands are gone working might enjoy getting out of the house to spend time having an adult conversation with other women.  There is camaraderie in sharing about parenting issues and catching up with what is going on in one another’s lives. As long as it doesn’t turn into a husband bashing session, good things can come from it.  Maybe you or your child are struggling with health issues and your friends are a source of encouragement for you. Great! Just make sure that your get-togethers are encouraging one another in your walk with Christ and looking to Him as your ultimate source of strength and hope and strengthening your relationship with your husband.  No one should come ahead of or between your relationship with God and with your husband.

     So here’s the question… Are you your spouse’s friend?  It is a source of frustration for me when Christian comedians go down a path of pointing out their spouse’s shortcomings.  You might say, “Oh, it is only humor, they don’t mean anything by it.” That is not so. I believe it plants seeds that we are different and that being different is a problem.  Being different is not a problem. Insisting our way is right is the problem. Yes, we are different, but we are called by God to understand each other and live in harmony.

How Do I Become My Spouse’s Friend?

Mitch’s Input:
     I think a man’s most basic need is to feel needed or appreciated. I have a word for this that Kim and I use as a shortcut when I need my ego stroked.  The word is “Caveman.” When I’ve completed something I’m proud of, I will simply say “Caveman,” and she compliments me on it. I build rocking chairs as a hobby and when she compliments me on my craftsmanship, it makes me feel appreciated.  I need to know that if I weren’t here, I would be missed. The need to be needed is at the core of my being. Kim makes me feel like I’m her friend when she makes me feel needed.  

     Appreciated is different than needed.  It means she not only needs me, but she is glad to have me in her life. How can Kim make me feel needed and appreciated?  Here’s a list of some things that she does that make me feel like I’m her friend. She…

• thanks me after I mow the lawn or blow the snow.
• spends time with me just for the sake of spending time.
• shows an interest in what I’m interested in.
• compliments me when we are alone.
• compliments me in front of others.
• tells me I’m a good lover (every man needs this).
• tells me how much she would miss me if I weren’t here.
• massages my back or feet.
• cuddles and holds me tight.

     I realize this is my list and your guy will have a list that varies from mine.  I’d like to give you two exercises to try. First, pay attention and see what makes him respond.  Watch and study him and see what it is that makes him feel loved and accepted. Then do a lot of that!  Second, do something with him* and ask him what makes him feel loved and appreciated. Take these things to heart and work on them. 

    * (Guys respond to communicating best when they are doing something… walking, a project, even driving.  Don’t say “Sit down, we have to talk!” That is one of the worst ways to approach a man).

Kim’s Input:
      I think we will become our spouse’s best friend when we follow God’s plan and design laid out for us from the very beginning of time.  God created us as women to be our husband’s helper and if we’re fulfilling that role, I think that he will respond. Who wouldn’t respond when someone is encouraging them, loving them, and supporting them?  When we were first married, I thought I had to be right and I had to get my way. Who wants to be friends with someone like that?! We became much closer friends when we started working together as a team and making decisions that benefitted us as a couple rather than what was in the best interest of only one of us.

     Here are some ways that Mitch makes me feel loved and appreciated: He…

• opens my car door for me.
• holds the door for me when we go in somewhere.
• reaches over and takes my hand when we’re out walking.
• listens to me when I talk to him.
• asks my opinion when a decision needs to be made and cares about what I have to say.
• looks out for me and tells me to take time for myself if our schedule has been busy. 

     It’s worth the time and effort to become friends (or even better friends) with your spouse.  I see someone who loses a spouse of forty, fifty or sixty years and wonder how I could survive losing Kim.  She is my best friend. She’s the one who I can count on to believe in me when the rest of the world doesn’t.  I’ll just have to trust that God would get me through that difficult chapter of life. The good news is that I would have no regrets and I would know that Kim died knowing of my unconditional love for her.