Why Change in Marriage is Difficult

      Most people probably believe that counseling involves coming to a counselor to explain their situation, then the counselor helps them to see things in a different light, directing them to a better way of handling it.  In my years as a counselor, I’ve found this to be true, but one of the things that many don’t realize is the number of people who come for counseling but aren’t interested in change. Some come just to hear what they want to hear – and if they don’t get that, they will find another counselor who will..  Their situation won’t change, but they get what they want. Others may want to change, but for one reason or another, change is difficult for them. There’s a joke among counselors that some people want to change almost enough to do something about it! Not liking change is so common that there is another saying that goes, “The only one that likes change is a wet baby!”  

     Some people also have emotional health issues that cause them to be unwilling or unable to change.  It’s not uncommon for mental illness to want to protect itself, and this can hinder or derail change.  Because both our spouse and ourselves are constantly changing, we have to keep up with the persons we and our spouse are becoming so that the marriage can evolve healthily.  Also, as Christians, we need to always be changing to shed our sin nature and put on the ways of Christ. This is a process known as sanctification and it is something we should always be conscious of and trying to achieve.  Here, we address some of the things that hinder change in our lives.

I Don’t Want to Be Wrong

     We can trick ourselves into believing that never being wrong is good, but it rarely is. Actually, thinking that we’re never wrong is a roadblock to learning and improving ourselves.  We need to get over this insecurity if we are to bloom to our full potential and live our lives with purpose. I love to pool the brains of everyone in the room to come up with the best possible idea or solution.  It is just common sense that we are all smarter than any one of us. So get over yourself. Sometimes you will be wrong. In fact, that is often a way to discover what is right.

I Don’t Want the Problem to Be Me… I Don’t Want to See My Ugly Parts

     God didn’t make you and your spouse perfect once you got married.  God knows that marriage is the best relationship to expose our shortcomings – which were there all along –  we just didn’t have a person that was close enough to tell us. I believe that true honesty in a relationship is coming to the point of ugly.  I believe when we can say to our spouse, “This is who I am. I’m not proud of it, in fact, I am ashamed of it, but this is what I bring to the table.  Can you still love me in spite of my flaws? God doesn’t make us perfect when we get married because He knew that by working through our imperfections, we would learn humility, understanding, and grace… and these qualities will make us more like Him. That is what being a Christian is all about.

I Don’t Want to Look at Myself

  If I don’t look at myself, I won’t find anything wrong.  That’s like saying if I don’t go to the doctor and have them tell me I’m sick, I’ll never be sick.  Trust me, there are things wrong with you. There are with all of us. So let’s dig in and work on the issues.  Let’s constantly develope into the best possible version of ourselves. The only thing worse than looking at our own faults is ignoring them… and allowing them to continue.

My Spouse Sees Me as I Am

     This is not a disadvantage, but rather a huge advantage.  Our spouse sees through our smoke screens. We may try to cover who we are are with jokes, hobbies, work, makeup, or pretending we are someone we aren’t. We might think that if we work on making ourselves more beautiful o the outside, we won’t have to work on the inside – just paint the outside and no one will notice.   There is a song that says, “Beauty is empty, and charm a deceit.” I read people quickly and well, which lets me pick up right away when a person is trying to charm me. At the root of it is deceit. They are using their wiles to take you away to another place. And they have found it to work on most people.

Introspection is Uncomfortable

• We don’t want to be alone with ourselves… or God for that matter

1. 1. • We avoid things that are difficult
      • So we keep busy and distracted
      • Major on minors: hobbies, appearance, and jobs
      • We keep busy so we don’t have to think about where we might need to change.

     Yes, introspection is uncomfortable, but the only thing that should leave us more uncomfortable is the lack of it.  We shouldn’t be comfortable just existing as we are and trying to fool everyone around us that we are something we are not.  A disciple is an imitator of Christ, and we can’t imitate Him unless we earnestly strive to be like Him… and that means being different than we are.  Paul compares striving to be like Christ as a runner leaning into the finish line. Let’s imagine the posture of that runner leaning into winning the race, and then mimic it in our own race to be like Jesus.