Children: The Importance of Letting Go of Your Parents When You Get Married

     In my experience, the frequency of young married guys and gals who can’t let go of their parents is pretty equal.  It is most often the mother that they are attached to and won’t let go of. Most of the time in our culture, the mother throws herself into the children and the father throws himself into his work.  Even if the father is plugged into his kids, he generally has an easier time letting go when they get married. A father is more apt to think his job raising you is finished – or at least a new chapter is here and he will have less involvement.

    Moms often find their purpose and value in their children.  Most often the mother is more in demand from a small child and she will accept her children as her role or purpose.  So how does she adjust when the child gets married? This varies widely. The bottom line is that marriage is a one-flesh experience that is shared by no one except a husband and wife.  Moms and dads are not included in the marriage.

     As the child, you must realize your part in this relational shift.  I believe most parents will step back if the child will accept and allow it.  

Reasons for the child not separating

• My parents need me

• Perhaps you don’t realize it, but you may be afraid that your parent’s marriage won’t survive if you step back.  You feel that you are the glue that holds them together. That’s not your responsibility. If your parents haven’t worked at their relationship and they need you to stay together, that is dysfunctional.  If you coddle them, you are really doing two very hurtful things. First, you are enabling your parents to not work on their relationship and make it all it can be. Second, you are depriving your spouse and yourself of the true one-flesh experience.  By the way, you are also bringing dysfunction into your own marriage.

• I need my parents

• • • When we are very young, we are dependent.  As adolescents we become independent. When we get married, we must make the shift to be interdependent.
    • If we don’t become interdependent with our spouse, we are nothing more than roommates, and that’s not a marriage.  We all bring expectations into marriage and being roommates shouldn’t be one of them. Marriage is much more than that.  If you don’t want to let go of your parents, that is a decision you are free to make, but don’t get married. If you get married, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord.
      

• Money

• • • Some parents dangle money over their children to control them, but some children sell out their spouse and a one-flesh relationship for money.  When you stop and think of it, you are allowing or requesting someone to run your life for money. If this is the case, it’s time to get out on your own – even if you are poor as church mice, you will at least be married to one another instead of to your parents.
      

• Failing to bond with your spouse
  • My mom tells the story of her and my dad getting into a big argument early in their marriage.  My mom went home to her parent’s house with a suitcase. Her dad asked her what she was doing there with the suitcase.  She explained she and my dad had an argument and she was going to stay with them. Her dad told her, “No you’re not. You made your bed, now go and lie in it!”  Okay, it could have been worded a lot more sensitively, but my grandpa got his point across. My mom never did that again. You are married, so work out your problems.  If needed, go to a good Christian counselor, even for regular checkups just to make sure you are looking at things clearly and to get some insight into issues. We all have problems, especially when we first get married and we are figuring out this thing called marriage.

     To fully experience oneness in marriage, you must let go of your parents.  If you don’t, your spouse will feel you are joined with your parents and not them.  This will make your spouse feel alienated and it is a very difficult relationship to live in.  Remember, if you bring children into the marriage, you will be teaching them how to live a successful married life.  You don’t want to teach them anything less than God’s best for them.

This is a trilogy series.  Click below to read the other two posts.

Parents… The Importance of Letting Go When Your Child Gets Married

Children… What to Do When Your Parents Won’t Let Go