Children: What to Do When Your Parents Won’t Let Go

     Many of my counseling sessions over the years have been the result of (1) parents not releasing their children when the children get married or (2) children not releasing their parents when the children get married.  

     We addressed the first and second issues in another blog post and I will address the third issue here: what to do when your parents won’t let go. 

How to help your parents release you

     If your parent can’t make this adjustment of unsticking from you, you will need to help them do so.  Your marriage depends on it. It is neither not fair nor God’s plan to expect your spouse to take a backseat to your parents.  Every situation is different, so get good counsel on how to do this. In rare cases, I’ve known children who move away from the parent for this purpose.  Hopefully, the parent won’t follow, but I’ve seen that happen too. Unfortunately for some, it is best to have a loving, close-knit family… in a town far away.

     Here’s a scenario.  A young couple comes to me because their parents are insisting on manipulating their married lives (or even before the wedding) and there will be no peace with the parent(s) unless the couple lets them do this.  The parents won’t counsel, so I can only work with the couple. I tell them that the way they handle this will determine their relationship with the parents for the rest of their lives. First, I ask the child if they have talked to or can talk to the parent(s).  If they have and no change has come, then I suggest they put it in writing. I sometimes give them suggestions on how to craft a letter to the parents. Letters are probably the best form of communication because there is a record of what was communicated and they can be written with calm emotions.  

     I would also suggest you write the letter and then pray and think it over for a few days.  Don’t hesitate to let a mature Christian read it and give you some advice. It is common that you mean something one way and it could come across another way.  The buffer of an outside proof-reader is a good thing. Verbal communication could lead to confrontation and heated emotions. If you receive an angry letter back, take time and answer it when your emotions are calm.  You may also want to consider not replying if there would be no benefit to it. The letter you write to your parent(s) may go something like this:

Dear Mom and Dad,

     We want you to know that we love you and appreciate you as parents.  Thank you for all you have done to raise me. I will be forever grateful to you.  I know at this time we all are aware of the tension between us. We need to communicate to you that while we love you, we don’t feel you are allowing us to become “one flesh” as husband and wife.  We really want our marriage to not only survive but to thrive. God ordained marriage and asks married couples to have an allegiance to each other that is second to none. Genesis 2:24 even tells us to leave our parents and cleave to each other.  Leaving our parents doesn’t mean we don’t love you or that we don’t respect you. We certainly do. But God knows that our full allegiance has to transfer from our parents to our spouse. That’s what “one flesh” means.  

     We need to move forward in our marriage relationship.  We would hope that you would be willing to support us in this.  I must tell you that we will no longer be told what to do or how we should live.  If you can respect our marriage and not come between us, we’d love to have a relationship with you.  If you continue to try to run our lives and cause division between us, we cannot have a relationship with you.  We’ll leave this in your hands. We are hoping to have a great relationship with you.

Sincerely,

Joe & Katie 

     I’ve had people write this letter and get great results.  I’ve also had people write this letter and have their parents disown them.  Some children have an issue writing this letter because they are supposed to “respect and honor” their parents.  Let me put this into perspective. My parent will always be my parent. I have decided to always respect the position that they have.  But if they are being divisive and manipulative and will not stop, then I need to separate myself from their negative influence. While they still have my respect, through their continued actions and refusal to cease these actions, have forfeited a genuine relationship with me.  If it seems the only way they will be happy is if they make me miserable, then our relationship has to take a break. Hopefully, this will be a short-term thing that will help them to see the correct way to relate to you. Don’t think of it as a divorce from your parent(s) but rather a trial separation.

     I know some of you are still having problems with this.  Let me explain it another way. If you and I are going to be friends, it is because we have mutual respect for each other.  If you cease to respect me, no problem. By definition, we don’t have a friendship anymore. We are acquaintances that used to be friends, but I’m not going to call you up and ask you to go out to eat.  So, in the same light, your parents are still your parents, but because of their lack of respect for you and your marriage, you don’t happen to be friends anymore.  

     Here’s a thought.  Your parents will always be your parents, but where did the expectation come from that we must be best friends, regardless of the circumstances?  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have a very close relationship with your parents, and we all wish we could, but we live in an imperfect world and we won’t all be friends.  It needn’t be the end of the world if you and your parents aren’t best friends.

     If you are married and living with your parents, it’s hard to write them a letter declaring your independence as a couple.  It would only reason that you need to be living independently if you want to claim independence. This also means financial independence.   It seems a regular occurrence that married children living with their parents without contributing come to me and are upset with their parent’s behavior.  You’ll need to get out of their home and into one of your own if you are to be taken seriously as an independent person/couple. 

     One last thought on this.  Is your parent being rational?   I have had many people come into my office over the years because they are miserable. They are struggling to have a relationship with a person who is not rational.  I have a theory that you won’t have a rational conversation with an irrational person.  So let’s face it,  you probably won’t have a rational relationship with an irrational person.  The mother-in-law who texts her daughter-in-law and says, “you had better do what I want because I have the power to have my son divorce you if I want,” is not a rational person.  

     Once married, my marriage relationship should be my focus.  If something contributes to the success of my marriage, then it is good.  If something (or someone) takes away from the success of my marriage, then I have to look into it and make some necessary changes.  It might not even be a parent, but a best friend or someone else. Your marriage isn’t just for you because it impacts many people. Strive to make it the best it can be.  That will always mean we have to remove negative influences on our marriage, no matter what they are.

This post is part of a trilogy.  You can view the other two articles by clicking on the links below:

Link to Children… The Importance of Letting Go of Your Parents When You Get Married

Link to Parents… The Importance of Letting Go When Your Child Gets Married