Have you ever felt like you didn’t love your spouse?  Did the feelings just leave you? In this time of confusion, there is hope and there is guidance from God.  Don’t worry, God is still on the throne… and He’s not nervous.

There came a time in our marriage when I fell out of love with Kim.  I didn’t try to. There was no one else I was interested in or involved with in any way.  I just lost my feelings for her. It was as devastating for me as it was for Kim. We had been married for about 13 years.  I had completed my ministry training and neither of us knows how it happened… it just did.

What was it like?

How did this manifest itself?  I just didn’t have any emotions for Kim.  I wasn’t trying to be mean or hurt her. The feelings were just gone.  I didn’t want to touch her or kiss her or show affection. It was a bit spooky for us both.

What did I do?

I kept on doing the right things.  If I was going to town to run an errand, I would ask Kim if she wanted to ride along.  I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew God had put us together and I had made a commitment to Him and to Kim.  I remembered that I had read, “Emotions, Can You Trust Them” by Dr. James Dobson.  I remembered emotions were compared to waves on the sea. They were unpredictable and no solid foundation.  I knew I couldn’t trust my feelings with a decision, so I just waited out the lack of emotions and feelings.  I prayed for God to bring them back.

What did Kim do?

Kim is a kind and patient person.  She was attentive and not judgmental of me.  She accepted that I was not doing this on purpose and that I was hurting just as she was.  She would ride along when I asked and she was the Godly person that encouraged me in this difficult time.  In her empathy, she knew it was a very difficult time for me too. Kim prayed for me/us… and she was patient.

What was the outcome?

After maybe three or four weeks the feelings came back.  Kim and I gladly welcomed them. Our relationship resumed, but something had changed.  Kim now knew that I wasn’t bound to her by feelings, but by a commitment to her and to God.  Kim now realized the depth of my love and that our marriage wouldn’t be severed because of feelings.  Our marriage was deeper than that. It was as though a test had come and we had passed the test together.  

Why did this happen?

Kim and I don’t know why this happened, except that we can tell others about it and encourage them when times of uncertainty come upon them.  I counsel people that are going through seemingly unsurmountable marriage problems that if they will come to counseling and work on the issues, within a few years their marriage will be better than ever.  I firmly believe that.

If this happens to you we would recommend you hang onto the decision that you have committed to being married.  Anyone can walk away. Anyone can quit. Get to a good Christian counselor that you connect with and can show you the way.  If people will seek out good counsel, listen, and work at it, I believe within a few years at most, you will be happier than you’ve ever been.

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