I received a comment from a lady who after ten years of marriage, no longer wants her husband.  She told him and then had an affair. Her husband still wants her, but she doesn’t want to go back.  She says she knows what she is doing is not in God’s will. She was asking for help. Below is the reply I sent to her.  Let’s call her Carol.

Dear Carol,

Thank you for reaching out and asking for help.  It takes courage to do that. I can’t address the situation fully in this format, but I can give you some basic suggestions.  You mentioned that you know what you are doing is wrong in God’s eyesight. That’s a beginning. Unless your husband is abusive, I would suggest you take steps to get your marriage back in order.  Heres’ why.

First, we are never content and will not thrive when we are out of God’s will.  God’s will is not something to be taken lightly, but it is something we should adhere to if we are to live a fulfilling life.  I once counseled a lady in your situation and she said, “I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. I’m choosing wrong”. I kindly explained to her that she would reap what she sowed and as I have watched her since that time… she has.  You see, God doesn’t make us perfect when we get married, In fact, when counseling engaged couples, I tell them that you are a selfish self-centered person marrying a selfish self-centered person. How do I know that? Because we all are. God calls marriage “One flesh”.  It’s the only relationship in the world like that. God instituted marriage so we would work out our own flaws and learn to accept the flaws of our spouse. In doing so, we will become more mature in our spiritual life. This causes us to grow in our faith and grow closer to God.  I believe this is His plan.

Second, you loved your husband enough to marry him, so it is beneficial to look into what has transpired to bring about this change.  The most important aspect of marriage is communication. That’s a good place to start.

Third, if you walk away from this relationship, you will be carrying your baggage with you… and take it into your next relationship or marriage.  I believe it is better to deal with your baggage with your husband, not to hit the reset button and go through all this with another man.

I say all this to let you know that I believe you would benefit from good Christian counseling.

As a side note, in your letter, you sound depressed.  If depression has a grip on you, it can change the way we view situations and interact with others.

I would really recommend you see a good Christian counselor and attack the issues in your marriage.  It’s the only way to have peace. Leaving doesn’t do that.

Once again, thank you for reaching out.  I sincerely hope this has been helpful. I prayed for you and prayed that you would seek God in this situation.

In Christ,

Mitch

Her response came from our article entitled “Falling Out of Love – What to do when the feelings are gone.”  I’ve linked it here.