Help!  My Ex and I Don’t Get Along!

     I’d like to start by saying something that will probably startle you.  You and your ex have a lot of passion… and the more disagreeable you are, the more passion you have.   Let me explain. When you initially got together, there was a loving passion or you wouldn’t have gotten married.  I have people in counseling that tell me, “I never did love them. We shouldn’t have gotten married.” I would suggest that you, in fact, did love them – at least enough to marry them, and because of the events that unfolded, you have pushed that aside in your mind.  It’s not uncommon for the mind to do that.

What is Passion?

     Let me explain passion.  Passion is intense caring.  Many people think the opposite of passion is hate, but it isn’t.  The opposite of passion is indifference. The fact that you are disagreeing and in conflict with your ex means that you still have a passion for them.  It is just misdirected. If you had no passion for them, you would be indifferent and not care about them or their opinion. So it’s not missing passion, but misdirected passion

     Why do we still have a passion for our ex?  When we built a relationship and married, we had dreams or expectations.  Dreams of what married life would be like. Dreams of growing a family. Dreams of growing old together.  Now that the marriage is over and these dreams are shattered, we often tend to redirect the broken dreams with vengeance and payback.  “You hurt me so I will _____________ in retaliation.” Once this gets started, it often takes on a life of its own with both of you feeding the retaliation monster (of course, they feed it more than you, right?).  It is interesting how our mind works and what we tell ourselves about this. We say that we don’t care anymore but in fact, we still care a lot. It is evidenced by our actions and how much of our energy and time is taken up thinking about the past with this person.

  Why do I still care?

     Broken relationships are just that… broken.  Can the relationship be fixed? Sometimes, if the timing is right and if you both want to.  More often, we have moved on and have new relationships, spouses, and children, so reconciling isn’t an option anymore.  So, we’ve established that you argue with your ex and believe you don’t care about them, but if you didn’t care about them you would be indifferent. Okay, you might be asking, how do I become indifferent?

     That’s probably not an option and even if it were, it’s probably not healthy.  The thing to do is to work for the best possible solution we can. If there were no children involved, this will be easier.  You don’t have to be around your ex. If there are children involved, it will take some work. Here are some tips on how to do that.  By the way, I intentionally grouped them – notice how many suggestions fall under the heading of “respect them”.

• Respect them

• Usually, if someone is treated with respect he or she will return the favor.
• Be patient. There’s usually uncomfortable fallout from past relationships so give your ex (and yourself) a little space to make appropriate adjustments.
• Seek balance. If you and your ex have kids together, you will be connected with this person for a long time. Putting the kids (both old and new) first will help you keep your priorities straight.
• Don’t threaten, name call or belittle. Having a mature and respectful relationship with your ex is healthy for you, for them, and for your current relationship. If you are not in a place where you can be emotionally stable around (or about) your ex, then communicate via e-mail or through a third party until you (or they) have calmed down.
• Use soothing words and tones. Getting upset and angry is not going to help you get your point across. Remember that there are probably some hurt feelings lingering so the more gentle you are (without becoming a doormat) the more likely you will arrive at a mutually beneficial decision.
• Don’t put down your ex in front of others. If you speak in a derogatory fashion about someone you once loved, those close to you may fear that you will talk about them in the same manner. If you do it in front of the kids, it is considered a form of child abuse. 
• Don’t flaunt your new partner. If you have found someone new (or when you do) keep them out of the “business dealings” with your ex. These kinds of triangles can be painful for both the old and the new partner. It will make your life more difficult if one or the other set up roadblocks because he or she is feeling insecure or angry.
• Be friends (it’s okay). As long as your behavior is appropriate and you don’t favor your ex over your children or current partner, being friends with an ex can be a good thing. It shows your kids how mature adults should behave and helps both families deal with the inevitable speed-bumps that occur along life’s highway.

• Don’t use the kids as leverage. 

• One of the most damaging things people can do is to put their kids between themselves and the ex. This makes everyone uncomfortable and will make your relationship with your children and current partner more difficult.

• Learn to let go

• Anger 
  • Anger is a great slave but a terrible master.
  • You don’t forgive for your spouse, but for you.
  • Your anger will affect everyone around you, including your children.
• Jealousy
  • In this case, your jealousy is probably fueled by your feelings to be protected and also the competition you feel to be exonerated of any wrongdoing.
  • These are roads that lead to nowhere.  
• Anger and jealousy are a waste of time and they wear you out.  Also, our children don’t learn what they are taught, but what is caught.  We don’t want to raise children that are angry and jealous, so we need to model the right behavior.  In life, there are things that will go wrong for all of us. What are we to teach our children to do when things go wrong?  It’s your call. I’d recommend reading our blog post on Telling Yourself the Truth and also we will soon have one on forgiveness. 

•  Distance

• A little distance is also good. Make sure you set proper boundaries with your ex and are open with your new partner about how you want to deal with your previous relationship. Having everyone on the same page will prevent destructive events from occurring.

     Regardless of the past, we need to be positive, productive people if we are to fulfill the purpose God has in our lives.  We won’t be unless we can forgive, move on and look for the next thing God has in store for us.

Here’s a link for SafeTime which helps in communication.