This question was submitted to us by a couple of people in a couple of different ways.  How can you sustain a healthy sex life after kids?  Years ago, we were with another couple and the wife surprised us by saying, “I could care less if I never had sex again”.  I wasn’t sure whether to feel sorrier for her or her husband. Kids are the culmination of love between a husband and wife.  However, after they are born, nothing will pull your marriage apart more. They take up your physical, mental, and emotional energy and they require so much time!  

    If you stop and think about it, kids can also divide your allegiance to each other, which we have talked about in another blog post linked below.  It is so easy to start remembering the “good old days” when we could be so spontaneous about sex and don’t remember being this tired! We used to go to bed at 11 and lately, 8 seems a lot better. How do we go about keeping the spark of sex – or getting it back?

Start with Godly Perspectives

    Sex wasn’t created in a dark alley behind a bar.  According to Genesis 1:27-28, It is God’s creation and His blessing to us as a married couple. In the Song of Solomon, it is clear that God intended sex to be for our enjoyment and recreation.  Probably the biggest thing Kim and I have learned over the years is that our bodies are not our own. My body belongs to Kim and her body belongs to me. God has a way of helping us to not be selfish – and this is the ultimate keystone.

    Remember, God ordained marriage as the only relationship where two can become one flesh.  That means that you and your kids aren’t supposed to become one flesh – only you and your spouse are.  As a married couple, you are one flesh and your kids came to live with you – don’t go live with your kids.  The children will someday leave and if you do things right, you and your spouse will still have a strong relationship when they are gone and you will have taught them how to have a Godly marriage.

Evaluate Your Expectations

    Before Kim and I got married, I thought getting married meant we would have sex every night for two years.  Hey, we’re talking about unrealistic expectations here.  The problem with expectations is that they are generally centered on ourselves. Did you notice that Kim was not considered in my assumption?  That was pretty self-centered of me! If a man believes his wife is a cold fish, that just means he doesn’t understand women; and if the wife believes all he wants is sex, then she doesn’t understand men.

    Men and women see sex as something very different.  A woman needs a reason to have sex and a man need a place to have sex… and barely a place!  

• Women are relational.  For the most part, a woman needs to know she is loved and secure to begin to unfold her desires.  Also, her body is very precious to her and things have to be aligned right for her to feel good about giving it away.    Generally, other than tiredness, the way you treat her will determine the way she responds sexually. If I’m crazy in love with her all the time, she will respond.  A man might think that hugs are a waste of time, but actually, hugs release testosterone in a woman, which can lead to sexual desire. Kim and I differentiate between “hugs” and “helds”.  Being held lasts a lot longer than a hug. Sometimes we just need to stop what we’re doing and hold each other for several minutes.
• A man is visual.  He can see his wife at some stage of undress and be aroused.  If they have been arguing and aren’t speaking, but he sees her at some stage of undress and is aroused… he’s ready for sex.  If she has sex without talking out the disagreement, she feels just like a prostitute. I’ve preached this and seen a sea of women’s heads nodding.  Men tend to be cavemen when figuring this stuff out.

    Our expectations are different, so take some time and effort and figure each other out.  That will take some communication, which means listening to the other person and hearing what they have to say.  If you have trouble communicating these things, check out the Safe Time article linked below.

Communicate

    The way you were introduced to sex can make a big difference in the way you view it.  Take time to talk to each other about what you want and don’t want. The one common obstacle here is tiredness.  The woman’s body goes through so much to have a child and then the job of parenting is so much more than we expected.  

• Kim here: women – make your husband and your intimate life a priority.  A man’s self-esteem is tied to his sex life. If you respond to him in this area you’ll probably see improvements in other areas of your relationship also.  It’s easy to let your kids take priority when they’re young but your marriage still needs to come first. I know that things improved for us in the area of intimacy when I lowered my own expectations of myself and realized that Mitch didn’t care if I took a nap when the kids did instead of cleaning.  He would rather have the house be a little bit dirty but have me available for him relationally, whether that meant sex or having a meaningful conversation.
• Just do it!
  Once you get started having sex, I think it is fair to say there is a level of enjoyment for each person.  Often the issue is getting started. Adopt the “just do it” philosophy to please your spouse. Thank you, Nike!
• Put a lock on it!
  Bedroom locks are more important than locks on the front door.  If one of you thinks kids are going to walk in, it will hinder the moment.  Kim and I have always locked our bedroom door at night whether we have any plans for sex or not.  I remember our teenage children trying the door in the morning only to find it locked. That’s OK.

Also, if you have been raped or sexually abused, get help with a qualified Christian counselor.  If not, you and your spouse could pay for what someone else did to you for the rest of your lives.

Work on Yourself

    You’ll never have the best marriage unless each of you is the best possible version of yourselves.  There is no one else out there working on you to make yourself be a better you. You have to do it yourself.  Probably the biggest issue in marriage counseling is that people think the spouse is the one that needs to change.  I’ve never had a marriage counseling session where was all one person’s fault.

It’ll be OK

     Here’s another expectation that might surprise you.  It is common for the man to be the initiator till about age forty, then the roles may change and the woman becomes the initiator.  Kim and I still remember the first time she wanted to be intimate and I was too tired. She was hurt, but I had known that feeling for years.  That’ll spin your head, guys!

    I once read that sex is better after thirty years.  I told this to Kim and we both agreed that it’s true.  It’s just like God to reward us for our faithfulness to Him is staying married.

     Want more help?  The book Sheet Music by Kevin Leman is indispensable in my opinion.  We ask every couple to purchase it for their premarital counseling. It is a very good guide to sex in marriage.  Because of the intimacy therein, after several chapters, it even asks engaged couples to wait to finish the book until after they are married.  One bride told me after their ceremony they were driving to their honeymoon destination and she was reading it to him in the car. How funny… and cool!

Our Allegiance article:

https://keepingthevows.com/alleigance-in-your-marriage/

Safe Time article:

https://keepingthevows.com/safetime/

Here’s a link to buy the book Sheet Music.

https://amzn.to/2VEPX9e