When we are both trying to put each other’s needs, goals and our children first, how can we feel okay and not feel guilty when it is our own turn to take time for our self or make a large purchase that mainly benefits one?

This is a good question and one that many struggle with.  We believe the way to address this issue is to set our priorities, then work within the plan that we’ve made.  If we are working within parameters that we agree are best, then the guilt should be gone. Not only that, but a sense of purpose and fulfillment should settle in.  We will be more content. Just as a budget tells our money where to go instead of our money telling us where to go, our priorities will guide our life in a path of meaningfulness.  Let’s set up a list of priorities, then we’ll address your question.

Our Priorities

• God

Our first priority should be God. Our purpose and meaning for life should flow from this relationship.  We also want to teach our children to live a purpose-driven life.

• Self

If you are going to have anything to give to your spouse and children, you will have to take time for yourself.  This doesn’t mean we ignore our spouse, but it does mean it takes time for you to be the best you that you can be.  I love the old saying that says, “Before a woodsman goes to the woods, he takes time to sharpen his ax… and that time is not considered wasted.”  His efforts will benefit him all day and keep him from wearing out.  We have only to look to Jesus to see the times when they wanted him to minister to the crowds or heal people but He instead went away to be alone and refresh.   You will not be the best possible version of yourself unless you work on it, and both you and your family deserve the best possible version of you. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to be healthy.

• Our Marriage

Our marriage is more important than our children.  If the marriage falls apart, then the nucleus of the family is gone for the children.  God calls a married couple to be “one flesh”. Marriage is the only relationship where we are to be one flesh.  Not parent and child, but husband and wife. God set it up this way so our marriages will endure and flourish, and so we can be a model to our children.  It’s important that we spend time together alone – dating so we will keep the fire of our love burning brightly. We should never feel guilty for feeding the fire of our marriage.  Dates are important. Kim and I have a date night on the calendar that reoccurs every week. We don’t break this unless we both agree. Don’t forget to put this in your budget.

• Our Children

We have three children and we love them!  Kim or I would throw ourselves in front of a car to save their lives, but the fact is that we married each other and within that union, we had them.  Our union is first. We need to model this for our children. How will they have a “one-flesh” marriage if we don’t model it for them? It is actually good for kids to see their parents still in love with each other.  When Kim and I attended child birthing classes, we got some great advice that I have never forgotten. The lady said, “Remember, your children are coming to live with you. You’re not going to live with them.”

Kids aren’t adults.  They are kids. It is the adult’s responsibility to raise them to be Christians and productive citizens.  We know children don’t necessarily learn what is taught, but what is caught. Our example is what is important to them.  Therefore, our priorities should reflect the type of life we want to model for our children. Our oldest, Ben used to tell us to get a room.  I asked him if he thought he was formed from spontaneous combustion? He smiled. If you raise your child that they are number one and they meet another child that was raised the same way – and they get married – nitro meets glycerine!  Boom! Don’t feel guilty if you take time in your marriage to keep it strong. In the end, the children will appreciate it. From time to time our children thank us for staying together. If you are divorced and remarried, well, we serve the God of second chances.  Today is the day to set your priorities and model a healthy marriage for them.

• Work, Recreation, other family and friends

Work

Most of us have to work, but it shouldn’t take priority over our marriage.  

Recreation

Recreation is a necessary thing for most people.  Take what you need, but it shouldn’t bankrupt your time or finances.

Other Family

Your extended family may be important, but it comes after your marriage and your children.

Friends

Friends can be a positive or negative influence in our lives.  Choose people that build you up.

Answering Your Question

Here’s your question again.  When we are both trying to put each other’s needs, goals and our children first, how can we feel okay and not feel guilty when it is our own turn to take time for our self or make a large purchase that mainly benefits one?

Taking time for yourself is a good thing.  Don’t feel guilty if that’s what you need. Different people need different amounts of time to restore and re-energize.  Personally, I know there are times when if I don’t take time for my “self” I’m not going to be much good for God or anyone else.  Your spouse needs to be sensitive and respect your need for time to recharge. If I sense Kim has been doing too much for others, I  encourage her to spend some time on herself doing what she wants. I think there are times I can sense this before she does. She appreciates when I do this.  I think she sees it as an act of love for her.

When it comes to purchases, some people can quickly justify a large purchase that benefits themselves, while others dread spending money on themselves.  My hobby is woodworking and Kim’s is sewing. I have spent a lot more money on my hobby than she has on hers. Because of my encouragement, Kim has a nicer sewing machine than she would have had she made the decision by herself.  I make sure she gets good equipment so her work is more productive and enjoyable for her. One thing we’ve done that Kim appreciates is bringing these things into the budget. We both have money budgeted each month for our hobbies.  Since she feels guilty spending money on herself, she feels better if the money is budgeted. She doesn’t feel guilty about it then. Also, when it comes to large purchases, maybe you can take turns getting the larger thing.

We hope you have answered your questions.  Thanks so much for asking.