How we start something tends to dictate how things turn out.  Dating and marriage are no different. I knew a youth pastor whose fiancée became pregnant and the church had to make a decision as to what – if any – action they would take.  I was a young Christian then and reasoned that after they were married, sex would no longer be a sin, so it wasn’t probably all that big of a deal. In the growing of my faith and understanding of scripture, I have found out that I was wrong.  Here’s why.

1. We need to go into marriage with a commitment to God.  

     First of all, sex is not dirty.  It was not invented in a dark alley behind a bar.  God created it! Yes, that’s right. God created it for procreation and enjoyment.  Don’t let it be said that God is not imaginative and doesn’t want us to enjoy life. God also created marriage and He reserves sex for within a marriage.  This is not because God doesn’t want us to have fun, but because a loving God is looking out for our best interests. Sex before the commitment of marriage complicates a lot of things in the relationship.

     As Christians, we want to stand before God, the pastor, and the people at our wedding and be Christ-like.  How can we stand before a holy God with this secret and feel our marriage is pure before God? I don’t see this happening.

2. God wants our obedience

     God doesn’t want our obedience because He is a dictator, but because He wants to keep us from harm.  God doesn’t ask us to give up anything that won’t kill us in the end; whether it’s something spiritual, physical, or moral. We tend to compartmentalize our relationship with God, but in reality, our obedience to God affects every area of our lives.  When we know we are willingly sinning, it distances us from God. This is the very God we want in our marriage – but we are setting ourselves up to be alienated and distanced from Him. God wants His people to come before Him blameless. Because of our sin nature, we will sometimes sin, but we are to allow the Holy Spirit to call our attention to this sin and then with God’s help, overcome it.

     We are talking about the sins of the flesh.  No one is immune to this temptation. Men are wired to be visually stimulated.  This is good because we are to look at our wife and be aroused. The problem is that sin always takes something that God intended for good and turns it into something bad. Sin also always takes us farther than we want to go.  

     Before I was married, I had a friend who gave me pornographic magazines.  Before Kim and I got married, we burned them together. I have not bought any pornographic material since.  However, the internet makes it so easy to access this kind of thing. Kim knows I am a man, so I am visual. We have an accountability system in place so I stay on the right track.  I’d love to say that because I am a pastor, I am holy and never have such temptations. I’d love to say it, but it wouldn’t be true.  

We all have the propensity to sin, but it doesn’t mean we should knowingly continue to sin.  We don’t get to pick and choose which areas we are obedient in. And any area where we knowingly sin distances our relationship with God.  It isn’t possible to be walking freely with God when the Holy Spirit is telling us that we are not walking with him. In the garden, Adam and Eve hid from God after they had sinned.  We are no different. Knowing God is to be obedient to God. Marriage is hard enough without going into it separated from God. Knowing we are going to stand in front of Him and pledge our faithfulness in marriage is insincere when we know we are not being faithful before we are married.  Obedience is proof that we are in harmony with God. Would that not make knowing that we are disobedient proof that we are not walking with God?

     The obedience we have with God before our marriage is probably a mirror of the obedience we will have with God after marriage.  Disobedience may manifest itself in different areas, but it is still the issue of obedience. Do we really think that we can knowingly be disobedient to God before our marriage and that we will then have an obedient relationship with God afterward?  I don’t think so. If we carry the baggage of sin into the relationship, this baggage doesn’t just magically disappear when we get married. Together, we have knowingly set a precedent for it to happen again in other areas, compromising on our commitment to God. Let’s start this thing called marriage right and go into it with the best possible relationship with God.  Then as things surface that will call for our obedience to God, we will be united in doing the right thing.

3. Thank God we serve the God of second chances!

     Are you already involved in sexual disobedience?  Here’s some good news! We serve the God of second chances.  Ask God to forgive you and give you a second virginity. He can and will do just that.  From the moment you pray, you can have a second chance – the second virginity to carry into your marriage.  During the first meeting of premarital counseling, we asked a couple if they were sexually involved. We always ask this to help them stay pure or get pure before God.  One couple explained they had been dating for three years and that they were sexually active the first year. One day, they were reading their Bible and agreed what they were doing was not God’s will and that they needed to stop.  They had been celibate for the last two years. We were so impressed! They said that their maid of honor was married and a believer, but all her bridesmaids were cousins who weren’t believers. She said that all of her cousins made fun of them for not living together.  They told us they wanted their marriage to be a reflection of Christ to their unsaved family and friends. I felt like repeating the words of Jesus and saying, “I have not seen such faith….” Kim and I were so proud of them and their wedding was a very special occasion for us both.  Performing that wedding was a blessing for us. Pray and ask God for forgiveness and also ask that He help you to stay pure.  

Kim and I talked before sharing this, but we want to be transparent and help others.  Before we were married, we weren’t being pure in our physical relationship. Several months before we got married we talked it over and together we confessed this to God and asked Him for a second virginity.  We honored that commitment and on our wedding day, we were glad we had confessed this and kept our commitment. It was a good beginning for our marriage to stand before God and everyone there knowing we had done the right thing.

4. Parents – set an example

     At the first premarital counseling session, Kim and I talk with the couple about sex before marriage.  For couples who are living together, we explain the benefits of living apart and starting the marriage off right.  One couple in their late thirties seemed to brush off our comments as though they knew what was best. At the second meeting, I could tell she had something on her mind and I asked her what was wrong.  She said she had just discovered her sixteen-year-old was having sex. She was distraught over it. I told her I was confused. I asked her, “Why are you upset with them? Isn’t that what the two of you are modeling for them?”  She was so shocked that she recoiled and was speechless. She had nothing to say because she realized her folly. She was expecting morals of her child that she wasn’t modeling. Your children don’t learn what they are taught. They learn what is caught.  I knew a lady that grew up in Kentucky and she used to say, “You can’t be raised in an onion patch and smell like a rose.”

5. Advice to stay pure

• I have been told that one of my counseling strengths is that I am bold enough to tell people the truth.  Here’s a truth I believe in: if your relationship before marriage can’t survive without sex, it isn’t a very strong relationship at all.  When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 6 years ago, one of the surgical complications was that there was a chance I could no longer perform sexually.  Kim and I talked this over. While sex is an important part of our marriage, we agreed we would still have a great marriage without it. Fortunately, I haven’t had issues with that, but it is good to know our relationship isn’t dependent on just sex.  The same should be true before you are married. If your relationship can’t survive without sex, I’d recommend you think twice about marrying that person.  
• We serve the God of the second chance.  If you need to, confess your sin and get right before God.  Now is a good time to get started knowing how to confess your sin.  Believe me, you will have lots of shortcomings to ask God to forgive after you are married.  This will be good practice.
• Get good accountability partners.  A guy for the guy, a gal for the gal.  These should be people who will be honest and get in your face to keep you accountable.  Don’t choose someone who will not ask or confront you. Choose married people who carry a Bible and have life experience.  Don’t be afraid to ask. By the way, if they have gray hair, all the better. They can draw from their experience to teach you.
• Plan to succeed – Don’t set yourself up to fail.  
  • You may need to cool some of your relationships if they aren’t supporting you in your walk with God.  If a person isn’t looking out for your best interest, they aren’t really much of a friend anyway. There is no way to win a losing game and people that are negative and try to pull you down aren’t your friends.  This will need to take place after you are married anyway, so you had best get it done now.
  • Talk it over and don’t put yourselves in the way of temptation.  
  • Don’t go to places that will tempt you.  You know what this means for you.
  • Maybe you can’t be alone, and that’s ok.  Surround yourself with caring people. Go on double dates.  Go with some older married couples and let them help and mentor you.  Don’t be afraid to tell them of your temptations. They will understand and care for and pray for you.
  • Get rid of the apps that might make you fail. Let it go.
  • Set boundaries.  Write them out. There’s something about writing it out that cements a commitment.  Get a copy to your accountability partners so they know how to pray for you and keep you accountable.
• Consider how long to wait before getting married.  1 Corinthians 7:9 tells us it is better to marry than to burn with lust.  I don’t believe this verse is an afterthought or a mistake. I agree with many of my pastor friends that if you know that you are going to get married, then get married.  This waiting till you reach some goal isn’t always best. Sorry moms, but I have seen so many times that the couple wants to get married but mom wants to wait till things line up in her little world.  If your child wants to get married, maybe part of the issue is that they can’t stand being apart and they don’t want to sin. Maybe they know they want to be married and they want to consummate the marriage with God.  Our culture has us pressuring our children to wait to get married when they are in their sexual prime. Once they know it is right, I’d consider getting married. We’ve even had people come into the church office and get married legally and then have their ceremony at a later date.  Nothing wrong with that.

     It has been said that the sexual dilemma of the church is that we are trying to get unmarried people to wait for sex and married people to enjoy it.  Marriage and sex are both beautiful gifts from God. Let’s go into marriage with the best of intentions and make the most of it.

The best book we have found on sex is Sheet Music by Kevin Leman.  You can buy it here.