Q&A: How do you make sure the things you deem important (whether that’s date night, devotions together, or whatever) don’t get pushed aside in the busy-ness of life?

     It has been said that life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.  If we get serious about it, the problem with life is that we don’t give it the attention we should.  It has also been said that if you don’t care where you are going, then any road will get you there. At the beginning of one of his routines, I heard comedian Jeff Foxworthy say that when he got married, he decided he wanted to have a great marriage.  Good for him. That means he will be paying attention to his marriage and do what it takes to deliver himself and his wife to a good marriage.

     For the Christian, an unplanned life doesn’t get us to where we want to be.  Our responsibility as Christians is to strive to reach the goal. That goal is to be a reflection of Christ and in doing that, we become the best possible version of ourselves.  We can’t have the best possible marriage unless we are the best possible version of ourselves. The key is to work on you, not your spouse. This means we have to pay attention to what is happening around us.  If we are going to be the best spouse or parent we can be, we’re going to have to pay attention. Here are three steps to keeping your marriage on track.

Step 1: Communicate What is Important
     You and your spouse are constantly changing, so you have to let them know what’s happening from your viewpoint.  Kim always kept the family finances because she was good at it. A few years ago, we had a talk where Kim shared that she felt all the weight of the finances was on her shoulders.  We talked it over and came up with a plan. Now we have a monthly meeting. It is on our calendars and once a month we meet to look over how things are going and we tweak the plan. Kim now feels she is working the plan we made together and the weight of the world isn’t on her anymore.  I wouldn’t have known about this if Kim hadn’t shared how she felt. She would still be carrying the financial load.

     So have an initial meeting to communicate how you feel about your marriage and what’s going on with you personally.  Remember, you are the only one who knows what’s happening in you. Don’t come ready to let them “have it,” but rather to inform them how you are doing and be ready to listen to what they have to say.  It’s important for a person to be heard to feel valued.

Step 2: Have a Regular Meeting About the Direction You Are Going
     After your first meeting where you communicate what is important, be sure to schedule regular meetings with your spouse so you both know how you feel about your relationship and where it is going.  The purpose of these meetings is to inform and adjust the relationship.  

Like many things in life, consistency is the key.  You have to make a commitment to continue the dialogue over the years.  Intentions should be acted on intentionally. Habits are formed by doing something over and over.  The best suggestion is to put it on the calendar. Hopefully, you share a calendar electronically, so that you’re both on the same page.  Kim and I have a date scheduled every Friday at 5 PM. Our calendars are synced, so we are both planning on it. We don’t cancel it unless we both agree to do so.  Don’t fall into the trap of canceling your date. Your relationship, finances, and kids will all suffer if you don’t talk about what’s important. Remember, your marriage can grow apart if you don’t keep it current.  It’s a lot like software: if you don’t update it, bad things can happen.

Step 3: Don’t Let the Urgent Interfere With the Important 
     Life can get so busy!  That’s what we can come to believe, but that’s not how it has to be.  Life can also be slow and relaxed… it’s your choice. The truth is that life can get busy if we lose sight of our priorities – we all have 168 hours in our week.  A person once told a pastor they didn’t have time for devotions. The pastor replied that he had found that we all make time for what is important to us. That’s pretty sobering.  I’ve known people that got off of social media because they were spending more time there than with God. If we make God, marriage, and family our priorities, we are in charge of our time.  If we don’t master our time, we are slaves to time. As another example, the same is true of our finances. Either we master them or become a slave to them.

     If I were to suggest one thing that keeps us busy, it is pride.  Pride is at the forefront of every sin. Pride has us wanting that nicer car, house, hobby, toys, and even better clothes and vacations.  Pride makes us want to live out our worth in our children. Pride makes it important that our child has it all because we didn’t. The problem is that we are blind and don’t see it.  In fact, we are teaching our children to have a hurried lifestyle.

     Think about it, would you rather have your child have the memory of you chasing your job, hobby, or the dollar, or the memory of you holding hands and praying with your wife on a regular basis?  Would you rather they have the memory of you being too busy or having time for them? Recently our daughter made a comment that she doesn’t remember looking up at one of her events and I wasn’t there.  How did I do it? I’m not superman. We limited the things they would be involved in, so we could be there for her and also teach her not to live a hurried life. Habits are about priorities. You aren’t only living out your habits, you are teaching them to your children.  Now that’s motivation!

     Unless you die suddenly, there will come a day you will have time to think about how you lived your life.  The habits we form now are what we will become one day. It helps me to set my priorities and form habits knowing that I will stand before God one day and all my life will be revealed.  My goal is to live with the right priorities so that I live a life of purpose. One of the main purposes God has for me is to be a good husband to Kim… and to model that for my children and to everyone who is watching.  Forming and keeping those habits will deliver me to that goal.

Here’s a link to our article on How Do We Make Time for Us?