I once read where the best way to stay close in a marriage is to hold each other’s hands and form a circle… and don’t let anything come into that circle.  If nothing ever comes between you and your spouse, then you will never stop the circle that is your marriage. If we stay conscious of our marriage circle, it would only reason that the chance of something coming between us would be greatly reduced.  This should cause us to think of the things that could come into our marriage circle – things that will pull or drive us apart. So, what are some of the major things that cause our circle to come undone?

1. Lack of Appreciation of What We Have

     I used to farm and a friend of mine once said that when you want a new tractor, you can find all kinds of faults with the old one.  I believe it’s the same in a marriage. When we get distracted by the new models, (whether tractors or our spouses) we can be unhappy with what we have at home.  Here’s a saying I live by: gratitude makes what we have enough. Here’s another illustration. The pickup I drive is ten years old, so I could be tempted to think of reasons why it’s not good enough which would lead me to believe I need a better one.  Instead, here’s what I tell myself about it: I really like it. It has everything I need, it’s reliable, and I appreciate the features it has. Now, do I want a new pickup? No. Why? Because I have gratitude for what I have.

      The day you got married you weren’t unsatisfied, so what happened to change that?  The truth is that the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.  You must learn to be content. Our culture is screaming for us to have more, more, more, but what if what we have is best?  

     More isn’t necessarily better.  When we lived in a motorhome for five and a half years, we saw lots of RV’ers.  It was interesting to note how many of them had their basements (under RV storage areas) crammed so full they had to lean against the door to get it closed.  We started out with about ten plastic tubs full of stuff. After about three years of living in the motorhome, we only had things in four or five tubs. We kept the rest of the tubs in the basement even though they were empty,  just to lock things together so they didn’t slide around. We learned that less is more. Don’t fall into the trap that you have to have it all.

2. Entitlement

     If someone has a sense of entitlement, that means the person believes he deserves certain privileges — and he’s arrogant about it.  The term “culture of entitlement” suggests that many people now have highly unreasonable expectations about what they are entitled to.  I was shocked when we went to Disney World and they had VIP passes where you can pay extra admission and get preferential treatment in lines.  This is teaching kids that if their parents are rich, they are entitled above other kids! Never mind that these kids did nothing to deserve this preferential treatment.  If we take this attitude of entitlement into our marriage, we’ll think we deserve certain things and our expectations become unrealistic.

      Entitlement is in opposition to a happy marriage because it means that you believe you have superiority over your spouse.  You may be thinking that you are glad you aren’t like that, but I would suggest there is some level of entitlement in most of us.  Remember the first few years of marriage when you couldn’t believe your spouse didn’t see your ideas as superior to theirs? That’s entitlement.

3. Pride

     I’ve always taught that the biggest obstacle to a healthy marriage is selfishness.  At the root of selfishness, and every sin for that matter is pride. It is pride that makes us selfish.  

     Before we got married, Kim and I saw eye to eye on most everything.  After we married, however, we started to see things differently. At the root of this was pride.  Why did we each think our way of thinking was better than our spouse’s? Why did we think they were wrong and we were right? Pride.  

      The good news is that we can change.  We can put off our pride and put on the love of Christ.  If we are to love others as we love ourselves, it should start with our spouse.  If we can’t attempt that, then there is something very wrong within us. When we accept Christ,  we receive the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. God’s power in the Holy Spirit gives us the strength to overcome our pride. 

4. Children

     The best advice we got on children came from the lady at the child-birthing class.  She said, “Remember, your child is coming to live with you. You aren’t going to live with your child.”   She went on to say that we shouldn’t sell the boat or camper or let the child come between us. Once again, anything in the circle between the husband and wife isn’t good for the relationship.  Let the children attach to the outside of the circle, but don’t let them come between you. You and your spouse are one flesh, and that doesn’t include children. Kim and I would die for our children – we love them that much. But the fact is that it is in their best interest to see us model a strong marriage so they will know how to have a strong marriage themselves.  Putting your children above your spouse not only hurts your marriage, but it hurts your children too. Give your children the best. Give them a strong model of what a Christ-centered marriage should be.

 5. Other People

     Besides our children, parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers can also break our circle if we let them.  Dissatisfaction with who we are allows other people to come into the relationship.  

     As a pastor, I always had a policy to never be alone with a person of the opposite sex.  This is for two reasons. If you are a pastor and are accused of wrongdoing, your reputation can easily be ruined.  I could be a salesman and have an affair and it would have no impact on my profession. As a pastor, however, there would be huge repercussions.  Also, if I am never alone with another woman, chances are pretty good that I’ll never have an affair with one. This isn’t always possible, but there are many things you can do to prevent this.  I always had a window in my office and when I counseled, the secretary was trained to just glance in the window when she walked by. Later on, I had a video camera installed. I didn’t record sound, but the camera showed that there was nothing improper going on.  I even had the camera backup online and set it up that I couldn’t erase any of the videos. That gave me extra credibility.

     Affairs don’t normally happen with two people just jumping into bed together.  There is often a testing of the waters. It is the lunch date that lasts too long or sharing a dissatisfaction with your marriage with a person of the opposite sex.  There are some people who see others as targets and then methodically work a system to get them into infidelity. When I studied for the ministry, I was trained that there will be people that we are attracted to.  This is normal. It isn’t uncommon to refer someone to another counselor, just because you are attracted to them. Of course, you don’t tell them the reason, but it’s not wrong to do so. In short, do all you can to stay out of situations that tempt you.

6. Addictions

      I’ll not dwell on this, other than to say that if you have an addiction, get help.  It is difficult if it is your spouse who has the addiction because you can’t make them want to get help.  There are many good paths to take to get out of addiction or if you are the spouse of an addicted person. I would recommend that Christians look online for a Celebrate Recovery chapter near you.  It is a Christ-centered twelve-step recovery program for people with hurts, habits, and hangups.  

      There’s no way this list could be all-inclusive but this gives you some good suggestions and guidelines.  Make sure you keep communication with your spouse open and be sure to see a good Christian counselor. Even if your spouse won’t go to counseling, you can work on yourself, and that’s always productive.