Identify Your Unrealistic Expectations For a Better Marriage
Identify Your Unrealistic Expectations For a Better Marriage
Relationships are a balance of expectations and reality. Marriage is no exception to that. In fact, because it is the ultimate relationship, it is probably even more prone to unrealistic expectations than any other. Most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. Think about it, when we get married we think that this is the person that will:
- Meet my needs
- Understand me
- Be unselfish and life-giving to me
- Love me forever – no matter what
- Never say or do things that would hurt me
- Never disrespect me
- Agree on parenting
- Work through disagreements with ease
- Never put anyone else’s needs before mine
- Agree with me on money matters
- Agree on major decisions (where we live, work, etc.)
At twenty-four, when I got married, one of my expectations was that we would have sex every day for two years. The problem with my expectation was that it didn’t include Kim’s opinion. The bottom line is that many of our expectations are unrealistic. If we examine them, they are a bit selfish. We think we will get what we want, but what about what our spouse wants? I tell people in premarital counseling that you are a selfish, self-centered person who is marrying a selfish, self-centered person. How do I know this? Because we all are.
Have you ever heard the expression “rose-colored glasses?” That’s what we wear before we are married and for the first few years. I knew a counselor who didn’t do much premarital counseling but instead followed up with the couple in the first few years of the marriage – because that’s when the rose-colored glasses come off and then they are ready to listen. When we are dating and first married, I believe we are more infatuated or in lust than in love. Don’t get me wrong, we believe we are in love, but we understand love as much as we can without experiencing the transforming relationship of marriage.
For one thing, we don’t tell each other the full truth before we are married. One man told how he and his fiance would play tennis while dating. To him, it would only reason that he had the expectation of playing tennis with his new bride after marriage. After they were married, he asked her several times to play tennis and she said no each time. Finally, he asked her why and she replied, “I don’t like to play tennis.” I don’t believe she was lying before they were married, she just didn’t share what she liked and didn’t like. Now, multiply this by one hundred and throw in some unrealistic expectations and you have a marriage. The truth is that his expectation was that they would play tennis after they were married. Hers was not. It doesn’t make either of them wrong, but they both have something to work out.
This is a great discipline… think about your expectations. Take a piece of paper and write them out. After doing so, ask yourself: are they realistic? Do they include your spouse?
We all have unrealistic expectations. That means every marriage will have them. The best marriages will identify them and work them out with honesty and humility
Here are two of our blog posts that support working these types of things out in a marriage:
