Keeping the Negativity of the World Out of Your Marriage
I believe it is fair to say that generation by generation, we are progressing toward more selfish expectations. We begin by thinking our expectations should be met, then move on to thinking they need to be met and finally that our expectations have to be met. We think the world has to turn our way… and if it doesn’t, well that would be a bad terrible thing. In short, we get our wants and our needs confused. It even happens in the mundane things. You can ask someone if they want to go to a Mexican restaurant and they will say, “No, I had Mexican food yesterday”. They wouldn’t think of going to the same restaurant and simply ordering something different. We take for granted that there are people around the world that eat the same food every day. Our wants and needs get confused… and we begin to think our wants are now our needs. Imagine how this frame of mind influences our expectations of marriage and our behavior.
Our team talked over this next illustration and we considered not using it as it could offend some. On the other hand,
- the people that will be offended are the people that see this in themselves and don’t want to consider changing.
- The ones that aren’t like this won’t mind.
- The ones that realize this is them and need to change won’t mind either. They’ll just change.
You see, when confronted with scriptural truth, we have three options: 1) do nothing, 2) get angry, or 3) change. Living the Christian life is about looking at our lives, and when they don’t emulate Christ, we change. After the last presidential election, I was surprised to see the number of people who revolted because the election didn’t turn out as they wished. No one argued that anyone cheated. It was a fair election. It just didn’t go their way. For hundreds of years in America, there have been people who were disappointed that their candidate didn’t win. This is the first time I have seen students say they were so distressed that they couldn’t go to class. Their expectations weren’t met, so they acted out their disappointment in disgust. This is the generation in which everyone, even the losers, get a trophy. Their person didn’t win the election, there was no trophy, and they don’t like it. They might say these issues are important. Yes, they are… and that is true in every election.
Here’s another behavior that I’ve noticed that is concerning. Watch our media and notice that if someone doesn’t agree with someone else, they’re an idiot. When a difference arises, both parties can go into the instant hate mode! Talk shows on both sides of the issues belittle the people that don’t believe as they do. I am quite confident that people that don’t agree with me can be very intelligent, we just have different opinions. Tim Allen was recently interviewed about being a conservative in California. Tim said there is a huge belief in California that bullying is wrong, yet when someone doesn’t agree with their political agenda, they are bullied.
Where is all this heading, you may ask? What will become of a nation that believes anyone who doesn’t believe like them is an idiot? What will become of a nation where each generation is more concerned with their own personal entitlement than that of the nation as a whole? What will become of a nation that believes their personal needs must be met and that they are here to be served instead of serving?
This is a Christian marriage blog and here’s where I’m going with this. What will become of these people? What will these people do when their spouse doesn’t meet their expectations? We all know that’s not just a possibility, but a certainty.
Our son Silas is a historian and he is so interesting to talk to about things like this. I Facetimed him yesterday and was telling him about this article and he reminded me that the people that lived during World War II were considered by many the greatest generation. War produced an appreciation for country and freedom. If you lived during World War II, you personally knew people, possibly several people, who had died for the cause. Silas reminded me that the greatest generation had lower expectations of their spouses. They didn’t expect their spouse to totally fulfill them and they weren’t as easily swayed by their feelings.
Today, feelings are paramount and we now have a generation of feeling worshippers. What’s the problem with that? Emotions and feelings are a gauge, not a guide. They tell us how to feel, but shouldn’t tell us how to act. In short, they are a lousy way to live our lives.
What does God have to say about this?
1 Peter 1:13 says, Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Psalm 37:4 tells us, Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:7-9 says, Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
What if in Gethsemene Jesus would have gone with His feelings when He asked that this cup pass him by? The problem is that feelings tend to want to have ourselves served, but Jesus didn’t come to be served, but to serve. Here’s what the Bible tells us about serving others. Read these verses applying the filter of how you treat your spouse.
Matthew 7:2 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.
Titus 2:7 In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness.
1 Peter 2:17 Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.
John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”
Agree to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
Spouses will never agree on everything. If they do, someone is never getting their way. Even the best marriages have disagreements, they just handle them well. Once a couple establishes a fair playing field, the next step is to agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Kim and I don’t agree on everything, but we don’t have arguments either. When we reach the stage of disagreement where we feel there is a propensity for escalation, we calm it down by doing a few key things. Here are some things we each do:
- Look at myself and see if I am in the right frame of mind. This may be my fault.
- Is this really something worth arguing about? Arguing is just going to a place of frustration because we haven’t yet learned how to communicate calmly. It’s kind of like how swearing is just a way to express something because you don’t know the right way to get it out. Arguing is probably more often used as a defense of our idea than being a true help.
- LISTEN – There could possibly be a valid opinion other than mine, and when I listen, I find it just might be that Kim’s opinion has merit. Also, listening and using reflective listening eases escalation. Use phrases like, “What I hear you saying is ______________.”
- Hold hands and pray. Kim and I have done this and afterward, there have been times when we have not been able to remember what we were arguing about.
- There will be times you fully understand what the other is saying, you just don’t agree. That’s OK. Think of rational ways to work through these things. Brainstorm suggestions.
The devil wants us to pay attention to our feelings. God wants us to pay attention to His truth.
Focusing on our feelings will keep us floating aimlessly through life and we will have no eternal purpose. Paying attention to God’s Word will give us purpose, direction, and strength. Remember that it should be our desire to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Here’s the link for our blog article on Buzzwords or 7 Shortcuts To Better Communication