My Spouse is Living the Dream – How Do I Overcome Jealousy?

Q & A

How can a spouse go beyond feelings of jealousy and being left out when the other is “living the dream” with the ideal job in an environment they love and the other spouse doesn’t have a job in their profession and feels stuck in a place away from family and friends?

Where does our jealousy come from?

     First, let’s see jealousy for what it is.  Jealousy comes out of a lack of trust; lack of trust in the process of life, in your spouse, and in yourself.  Lack of trust breeds insecurity, which creates jealousy; we stifle these feelings because they are uncomfortable. This is the cold hard truth about jealousy: it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  In other words, we’re jealous not because of someone else, but because of what we tell ourselves.

In this case, there is a lack of trust (1) in the process of life and (2) probably in yourself.

     Here’s an overview of how to look at this: where we are right now isn’t an accident. God has things for me to learn and wants me to glorify Him whatever season of life or circumstances I am in. Whatever I am doing I am to do for His glory. While what I’m doing right now may not be what I thought I would be doing or wish I was doing, it is preparing me for how God wants to use me.

What’s the solution?

     Start now working at what you would like to do.  It may not be your first choice, but it may be a stepping stone to what you really want to do at a later date.  Here’s an example:

     A couple came to me who were at odds about whether to go to the mission field now or at a later date in their lives.  He wanted to go now and she wanted to wait. Conventional wisdom says you don’t drag your spouse into anything, especially to the mission field!  My advice was that they begin to get ready for the mission field now so that when they do go, they are better prepared. There was so much they could do: getting their finances in order, learning the language, and starting to get a prayer and support team. 

     Life is a journey and this journey is made up of chapters.  You may not be in your favorite chapter now, but other chapters are coming.  Put off self-gratification today for a happier tomorrow.  

Start a list of your dreams

     I have a bucket list.  In fact, I have two. I have a list of what I’ve already done and a list of what I’d like to do in the future.  Work on making your dreams come true. For example, if I want to travel to Europe to take the Danube River cruise, I have choices.  I can go online and look at the pictures of the people going on the cruise and be jealous and feel deprived, or I can start to save money to go on the cruise.  There’s no one out there working to make your dreams come true. You have to do it yourself.

My plans aren’t always best for me

     I’ve found it interesting that I don’t grow much as a person or a Christian when my plans are succeeding.  I’ve grown most when my plans are interrupted. Cancer, unanticipated setbacks in finances, jobs, and goals have changed me for the better.  I’ve come to see things that aren’t in my plans as learning opportunities to grow and become better. It is our selfish nature to want sunshine all the time, but all sunshine makes a desert, and who would want to live in the desert?  Just like the soil, we need storms and rain to grow us. So what we want and what is good for us are often two different things.

Remember that happiness is a choice

     When I turned fifty, it hit me that happiness is a choice.  Every morning when I went into the office, the secretary would ask how I was? I would always say, “Fantastic!”  Were my circumstances always fantastic? No. Was my gratitude in place and was I thankful for the day… and even the circumstances that made my life harder?  Yes. I knew that hardships would make me better in the end.  

     Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work to the good of those who love God.  James 1:2-3 tells us, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  So, if I believe these trials will make me better, I will welcome them. If I believe that my testing makes me better, then, even though it is not my choice, it is probably what is best for me.  Cancer wasn’t my choice, but as I look back at it, I’m glad I had it. It has made me a better person in all ways and more appreciative of the health and life that I have. My life is richer because I had cancer, and today I can rejoice that I had it.

Gratitude makes what we have enough

     We are unhappy when our gratitude is not in place.  In fact, jealousy is a lack of gratitude. Gratitude makes what we have enough.  The mom who feels she is stuck at home with the kids should think of the mom in the hospital with a dying child or the woman whose womb cannot conceive a child.  The person with the dead-end job should start thinking and behaving like they will have the job of their dreams. 

     Once again, because I had cancer, I can now be grateful.  If I’d never had cancer I wouldn’t appreciate having my health as I do today.

Things to do to combat jealousy

• Work at controlling your thoughts.  The way you think can control the chemical composition of your body.  Remember, happiness is a decision. Being happy is not satisfying your impulses.  Even winning the lottery won’t make people happy forever.
• Take a look at your friends.  If they are contributing to your negativity, talk with them about it or cool the relationship.  Better yet, surround yourself with positive people.
• Exercise – Just 10 minutes of exercise a week can increase your odds of being happier.  You’re only one workout away from a good mood.
• Diet – what we eat affects the way we feel.  Also, our weight can affect our energy and self-esteem.
• Do something to contribute to your long-term goal(s).  Even if it’s small. The person walking is lapping everyone on the couch and just taking one class towards your goal job will be a step in the right direction.
• Help someone less fortunate than yourself.  Genuine happiness isn’t found satisfying your own impulses.  More often it is found in helping others.
• Don’t forget counseling may be a good move.  What are a few dollars compared to your happiness?

Summary

     In your question, you asked about how to overcome the “feelings” of jealousy.  Feelings are a result of our thinking. Jealousy is caused by improper thinking.  Happiness isn’t something you feel, it’s something you do. I’ve included a few links at the bottom that will help you further in your thinking process.  The book listed below helped me immensely and the blog post link will explain how thinking correctly has impacted me… and how it can impact you.  

     God wants us to trust Him.  He wants us to be happy in spite of what we see as less than desirable circumstances.  God loves it when we trust Him – and we can only truly trust Him when plans aren’t going our way.  The last paragraph below was also at the beginning of this article. I’d like to ask you to read it again.  Hopefully, what you got from it at the beginning of the article and how it resonates now will be different. 

     Where we are right now isn’t an accident. God has things for me to learn and wants me to glorify Him whatever season of life or circumstances I am in. Whatever I am doing I am to do for His glory. While what I’m doing right now may not be what I thought I would be doing or wish I was doing, it is preparing me for how God wants to use me.  Don’t chase happiness. Look for meaning instead.

Here’s a link to the book, Telling Yourself the Truth

And my blog post Telling Yourself the Truth