Mitch & Kim’s Q & A

Here’s a question we received.

How can we effectively communicate when one person is so much more talkative? I want to share with my wife things from my day, but at the same time, I’m not very talkative, and she is, so it seems like a lot of our conversations aren’t exactly that, but more of a lecture in the sense it’s a one-sided conversation.

This is a great question. Something we’ve noticed is that early in a relationship we establish a pattern for how we communicate and do things and changing that pattern takes some effort.  It’s not always difficult, but it will take some conscious effort to change. Here are some steps we think will help.

Maturity on the part of the more talkative one.

Hey talkative person, you have to be really mature to give up talking a lot so your spouse can get their thoughts out.  Kim is quiet. It would be easy for me to think that since she is quiet she doesn’t care to talk much. I have found that’s not necessarily true.  I’ve become a student of drawing out Kim’s opinion on things because I love her and care what she has to say. I’ve worked on this and now Kim talks to me a lot.  She says I bet I wish I never drew her opinion out of her because she now believes she talks a lot. I don’t agree. Just because I am the more natural talker doesn’t mean her opinions don’t matter.  I want to hear want she has to say because I love and respect her.

Comfortable Silence

Here’s some insight that may help you better understand each other.  In different cultures, there is a comfortable silence between exchanges.  In America, it is probably a few seconds. In Japan, the time is more like thirty seconds.  It is not uncommon for Americans to have a business meeting with Japanese and after the meeting, the Japanese think the Americans talked all the time and they didn’t get a chance to talk.  After five or ten seconds, the Americans felt uncomfortable and felt the need to speak. The Japanese weren’t yet ready to talk. It would only make sense that we are somewhat like that in our marriages.  I make good decisions very quickly and I have a good decision track record. If I ask Kim something, it would be common for her to take twenty to thirty seconds to think and then respond. She makes good decisions, her thought process is just longer than mine.  No one is right or wrong on this… we’re just different. I’ve learned to be patient while she thinks.

Probably another reason for my quick responses is that I’m the youngest of four.  As a kid around the table, if I wanted to say something, I’d better get it done quickly.   Kim, on the other hand, is the oldest of three children.

Buzzwords

We have a blog article on Buzzwords.  It is called “Shortcuts to Communication”.  Buzzwords are a word or phrase that quickly takes us both to a place of mutual agreement.  The ideal scenario would be the talkative spouse seeing the need to pull conversation from the quiet one, so it would be good if they used the buzzword when they realize their spouse is quiet.  Let’s use “Whatcha-thinkin’” as the buzz word. It means, “Hey, I love you and respect your thoughts.  I will be patient while you get them to me at your own pace.  I won’t be impatient, try to hurry you, or finish your sentences.”  The talkative one will notice that the quiet one will open up more quickly about important things as they realize it’s safe.

This sends a message to the quiet person that they are valued and that they can talk at their own comfortable pace.  Perhaps the quiet person would have their own buzzword. Let’s use “Thoughts”. It means “I would like to talk.  Would you please let me?”  The great thing about buzzwords is that they allow us to quickly get to the issue without anyone taking offense.

SafeTime

If the talkative person doesn’t pursue the conversation of the quiet person, you may want to try SafeTime.  This will compel the talkative person to listen. We also have a blog on SafeTime and a handout on our resources page.  Check it out and use some of these conversation starters to get the quiet one talking.

1. a) Tell me three things that happened today
2. b) Tell me something that is important to you
3. c) Tell me something I don’t know about you (after 37 years, I’m still telling Kim things that she never knew)

Hopefully, these suggestions will help.

Comment and let us know what you think or if you have suggestions.

Check out a video of this article here.