Parents… The Importance of Letting Go When Your Child Gets Married

     Many of my counseling sessions over the years have been the result of: (1) parents not releasing their children when the children get married or (2) children not releasing their parents when the children get married  

     We’ll address the first issue here with the other issues being in another post. 

     When a child gets married, the parents need to step back.  Remember that when we get married, we are to leave our father and mother and cleave to our spouse.  Jesus repeated this Genesis 2 reference in Matthew 19:5 and it is repeated again in Ephesians 5:31. To cleave means to adhere, stick, or join with.  Simply put, if your child sticks to you instead of their spouse, their spouse will not feel like they are married. Instead, they will feel like their spouse is married to their parent(s).  If either spouse fails to leave their parent(s) and cleave to each other, there will be problems. Conflict, stress, a lifetime of feeling disconnected from a spouse, or even divorce will be the results.  

     Leaving the parent(s) does not mean not loving or spending time with them.  It is an issue of intimacy and unity. A couple cannot be “one flesh” if they still haven’t broken their umbilical cord from their parents.  Parents, if you love your child and want the best for them, you will step back. If you can’t do this, then examine your motives. Perhaps your marriage isn’t strong enough to stand on its own and you are leaning on your child to survive.  Believe me, they don’t need the baggage and stress of your issues with their own. It’s time to get counsel and fix your own issues instead of making them your child’s and their spouse’s issues.

     An observation I have made is that if a parent won’t release the child to be “one flesh,” which is God’s plan, the parent usually doesn’t have a “one flesh” relationship themselves.  Maybe they were never married or are single now and can’t imagine changing their relationship with their child. Maybe they are married, but they are clinging to their child because they don’t have a “one flesh” relationship in their own marriage and releasing their child would leave them empty.  They can’t comprehend what it means to be “one flesh.” They can’t model a healthy marriage relationship because they don’t have one themselves. In other words, you can’t lead where you haven’t been.

     In my counseling, I seem to see a lot of mothers who won’t release their sons.  This could be because she never formed a good connection to her husband (or did at one time but lost it) so she is clinging to her son instead.  Kim and I loved having the kids at home, but now that they are gone, we love having them gone. The reason is that though we love our kids, our allegiance wasn’t with our children but with each other over the years.  Have you ever noticed the number of couples that get a divorce after the kids are gone? They didn’t reinvest in their own marriage. After years of this failure to connect with each other, the kids are the only thing that they have in common.  This clingy mom might be fighting for her own emotional survival by manipulating her son because she doesn’t know how to build or restore a relationship with her husband.   

     In his excellent book Retire Inspired, Chris Hogan suggests that some people who have failed to save for retirement don’t even start a retirement account later in life when they know retirement is imminent because they are too ashamed to admit they have never started.  Perhaps it is the same with people who have not invested in their marriage. Instead of learning how to invest in their marriage, they take this dysfunction into their children’s marriage instead.

     In our premarital counseling sessions, I always explain the importance of each person leaving their parent and the two of them joining together as husband and wife.  One wife-to-be was out for the day shopping with her mother. On a whim, they decided to stop at a car dealership and each bought a new car. The bride-to-be did this without consulting with her fiance.  She didn’t pay cash, and the payments were going to put them in a strained financial situation as a newly married couple. The girl’s mom insisted that since they weren’t married yet, it was none of his business.  It is difficult to imagine this mother stepping back when her daughter gets married. The daughter didn’t think anything was wrong with buying the car. It’s probably because this is what she had been taught.

     As parents, we should be raising up our children to be independent, not rely on us for the rest of their lives.  Because our kids live their own lives, Kim and I can live ours. We love being grandparents and having healthy relationships with our kids, but we also are proud to see them live successful lives independent from our input.  That was the whole goal of raising them. Also, there is peace in knowing that when we die, our children will carry on as responsible adults without us. Parents, you may want to set this shift in allegiance into motion with a letter to lovingly state your intentions for after your child is married.  This will mark the occasion. This letter might not only benefit the children but also the parents in clarifying their roles.  

     Here’s a sample letter to your child before their wedding day: 

Dear ______,

     Your upcoming marriage day will be the culmination of your life to this point.  We have poured into you to help you become all you are today. We’re very, very proud of you!  Your marriage is also significant to us as Christians because God has given us a directive. You see, our relationship is changing forever.  You are joining in marriage as “one flesh” with your spouse. This marriage means that your allegiance will shift from us, your parents, to your spouse.  It also means we must take a step back. We will always love you. We would die for you. We love you that much. But if we’re going to give you the gift of a happy marriage, we must step back and allow you to form your most important bond of allegiance with your spouse.  We’re still here for you if you ask for our advice, but we now set you free to experience the fullness of what it means to be married. You have our blessing and our prayers will be with you.

All our love,

Mom & Dad

     Ever since your child was young, you sheltered them and kept them from harm.  It is within our nature to keep doing that after they are married. You wouldn’t want to do anything to hinder your child’s happiness in marriage.  A lot of your child’s success in marriage is a healthy absence of parenting. Make sure you step back and give them the best possible chance at the kind of one-flesh marriage God wants for them.  Remember, God can take much better care of them than you can.

This article is part of a trilogy.  Read the other two posts at the links below.

Children… The Importance of Letting Go of Your Parents When You Get Married

Children… What to Do When Your Parents Won’t Let Go