Kim and I have a list of suggested reading for the couples we counsel toward marriage; Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages is always on that list.  We believe everyone would profit from the straightforward, easy to grasp truths in the book.  We also have each couple go online and take the free test at 5lovelanguages.com (I’ll link to the book and the test below).  We would encourage you to give it a try.  

     Keeping your marriage fresh and new is a realistic goal.  This doesn’t happen on its own though. One of the best ways to keep your marriage fresh is to fill your spouse’s “love tank.” The issue with this is that different things fill our love tanks.   While there are probably many languages, Chapman narrows it down to the main five.  

1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Receiving gifts
4. Physical touch
5. Quality time

     You might be thinking, “I already know about this,” or “This is silly and not for me.”  Please read on. This reminds me of a counseling session I once had. The husband was sitting there apathetic about improving his crumbling marriage and when I mentioned this book, he said he had heard of it and the whole idea was stupid.  This is when it is good to have an understanding of people and know that you might have to confront them to get through. I knew he wouldn’t listen unless I challenged him strongly, so I told him this was a marriage counseling session and asked him which side of the desk he was on?  It was enough to jar him out of his poor attitude and work on his marriage.

     As a kid, I grew up watching movies that ended with the cowboy riding off into the sunset – he didn’t need anybody in his life.  I’ve come to know that this is a fantasy. We all have the need to be loved. God has wired us with the need to be loved. He demonstrates this to us by loving us even when we are unlovable.  In Romans 5:8, He says that He loved us while we were sinners. I believe we all have a love-tank and we function best when that love tank is pretty full. You see, we are always drawing from the tank.  Many things can lower the level of our love tank: our internal self-talk, events that happen to us, and the stress of the day. It would only make sense that our spouse should want to keep that love tank full.  The thing that most of us don’t understand is that different things fill different people’s love tanks.  

     For example, let’s say your score on gifts is zero.  Gifts just don’t trip your trigger at all. Maybe your spouse’s gifts score is a ten.  If your spouse bought you gifts thinking you would be appreciative and you weren’t, they might wonder what is wrong with you.  What they wouldn’t understand is that gifts aren’t your love language. Gifts may fill their love tank but not yours.

     Let’s say my language is physical touch and Kim’s are gifts and quality time.  If I’m touching her but not giving her time or gifts, I might wonder why she is not responding to me and my physical needs.  In reality, the issue wouldn’t be Kim, but my lack of understanding and/or caring what fills her love tank. This is important.  If a guy has physical touch love language (and most men do), he might consider that his needs will more likely be met if he fills her love tank.  So, bringing home some flowers, going for a walk and talking about her day might be the best thing that could happen to his physical touch needs. In the same way, she might consider meeting his needs so his love tank is filled.   It’s important that we don’t see the love languages as a vending machine to get what we want, but rather to fill our spouse’s love tank so that we can meet their needs. Our happiness will be a by-product of their happiness. In thirty-seven years of marriage, I’ve learned that I’m happier when I make Kim happy than when I just make me happy.  Why is this? Happiness is a perfume that you can’t apply to others without getting a few drops on yourself. 

Words of Affirmation

     We’ve found it common that most men score high on words of affirmation.  Most people tend to think that the man is the strong one, but it has been my experience that a man has a very fragile ego.  All a wife has to do is to publicly say that he is not a good lover or provider and it will emasculate a man. The very definition of emasculate is to deprive a man of his identity.  The man has a need to be needed. He needs to know that if he weren’t there he would be missed. So when he mows the lawn and she says, “Thank you, honey. That looks so nice,” he gets a deposit in his love tank.  He feels better about himself – and they both win. 

Buzzword: Caveman.  

     I’m a pretty honest, straightforward guy, so I don’t mind noticing and calling attention to my shortcomings.  As a man, I have a fragile ego (just thinking about the complaints and flack I will get from some people over the book I am writing about marriage isn’t something I look forward to).  I need words of affirmation from my best friend – Kim – and I need it on a regular basis. After mowing or snow blowing, Kim will mention how great it looks and how much she appreciates me.  This really resonates with my self-worth. As I said, most men score high on needing words of affirmation.  

     Here’s a tool that we teach in our premarital counseling sessions that makes this fun. Remember that a man has a deep need to feel needed and appreciated.  While this concept can work in a variety of scenarios, let’s pick just one. I will be working on something in the woodshop and I will step into the house and ask Kim if she is busy.  She usually knows where this is headed, so she says “no, I’m not busy.” At this point, I just say one word, “caveman!” Now it should be noted that I say it with a voice of enthusiasm and fun.  Caveman is one of the buzzwords we use, a shortcut to better communication.  

     These words are a single word or short phrase that means a whole lot more.  Because we are married, we know what it means and that it provides a fun shortcut to the need at hand.  Caveman means, ‘Hey, I’m a man and I have a fragile ego. I need to know I am needed and appreciated. Please come and stroke my ego.  Go ooh and ahh over what I’ve done. I need to hear you verbally appreciate me. Please praise me… I don’t even care if you are making it up.  My ego is that fragile.” This lying part sounds humorous, but as we teach it to people and get to the part where we are so fragile that we don’t even care if she is lying, most men are shaking their heads in agreement.  Kim will come with a big smile on her face and look at the rocking chair I have just finished. When she says, “oh honey, that’s beautiful!” I just melt inside. My pride is boosted and my ego is rejuvenated. She will feel how smooth the wood is and ask how I accomplished it.  She will notice how I laid out the boards so the prettiest grain of the wood is in the areas it will show best. She will tell me how my skills have improved. She will tell me she is proud of me and she is happy that I get so much enjoyment from this hobby. She might mention that she is glad my hobby is at home so she can have me there at home with her near.  My chest swells with pride and I can feel my love tank being filled.  

     This isn’t rocket science.  Women, there is nothing complicated about this.  I need this to help me feel like a man. We usually end with a hug and me thanking her for not minding me purchasing good tools to help me make something so pretty.  I’m returning the words of affirmation to let her know she also has a part in this beautiful result. Yes, I have a fragile ego. It is not a weakness but something to be fed.  I do get my affirmation from God, but God gave me an equal in the flesh who also verbalizes my worth. Thank you, Kim!

Acts of Service

     Hey guys, many women rate high on acts of service.  So, to interpret that for you cavemen, in the eyes of your wife the sexiest thing you can hold in your hand is a vacuum cleaner.  Don’t believe me? Try it. Kim is a great housekeeper, but sweeping hurts her back and she doesn’t care to clean the stove-top. I try to do these things because it really fills her love tank.

Receiving Gifts

     Kim and I both happen to be a zero on receiving gifts.  I used to farm and am used to wearing old clothes to work in.  After losing 70 pounds, I was wearing my old extra-large shirts with holes in them in my wood shop.  One day while Kim was shopping, she bought me some colorful T-shirts in my new size medium. She even made sure they had pockets so I had a place to put my pencil! It was interesting to think through how this registered with me and how I valued it.  Because I am a man and need to know I am needed, I liked the new shirts and thought they looked fit great, but what meant the most to me was that one day while we were apart, Kim thought of me. The T-shirts didn’t mean as much to me as the fact that she thought of me.  Every time I put one of those shirts on, I am thinking about how she thought of me, and that makes me feel needed… which makes a deposit in my love tank.

Physical Touch

     It has been my experience that men generally score higher than women in this.  Just remember that physical touch doesn’t always mean sex. To a newly married man, cuddling may be a prelude for sex.  It can be but shouldn’t always be that. Most women see real value in cuddling by itself. She wants to be caressed for just that.  It adds to her love tank. Think about it: if cuddling to a man means sex, and she isn’t always in the mood for sex, then she may not want to cuddle and because of this she may not get the hugs that she cherishes.   Sometimes in the kitchen, I will give Kim a hug. A hug only lasts a few seconds. Sometimes a “hug” isn’t enough and I tell her I need a “held”. This is a lasting hug. We have found that this adds to both our love tanks.  By the way guys, cuddling is even better than you thought. Cuddling can release testosterone in a woman which may raise her sex drive… and now you know.

Quality Time

      There can be different ideas about what “quality time” is.  I believe the word quality clarifies that this is a time when there is an awareness of each other and you are actively appreciating each other.  It can possibly be completing a task together. For Kim and I, it can be a date or getting a truckload of mulch and taking the day to distribute it around our home.  During the work, we are communicating and staying in touch with each other. We also like to get groceries together. I don’t know that we like buying groceries, but we like being together… so we like buying groceries together.  Women need to know that if they are doing a task with a man that a conversation will be a lot easier. It’s just how we’re wired. Just going for a walk or doing something with him will help him to talk. This is the opposite of saying, “Honey, sit down.  We need to talk.”

     Taking the love languages test is helpful.  Sit down together and talk over the results.  Of course, it is informative for the spouse, but sometimes we can even learn something about ourselves.  You might consider taking the test every few years as your love language outcome may change.

Get the 5 Love Languages book here.

Link to take the 5 Love Languages test.