Safe Time
Does it feel there are walls that block your communication of certain topics? Maybe it’s your spouse’s parent or you don’t feel you can say how you feel about something. You just feel your opinion isn’t heard. Good marriages are built on good communication. Here we’ll show you how to break down these walls that block the communication you long to have.
Safe Time is a time when two people will set up a time – an appointment to get together to talk. They both agree they will listen and reason and that no one will get angry. If people are having marriage issues I recommend setting up maybe two specific times a week for this. If it has been a really bad day or someone is in a bad mood, it may need to be postponed to the next day. The important thing is that each person goes into this with the right mindset. I usually recommend setting up twenty-minute initial meetings. The time can be expanded as they get used to it and begin to see it work and bring out positive results.
First, I’ll lay this out and label this “guy” and “gal” for clarity. Here’s how it works:
- Gal: In one or two sentences, let the guy know of something that hurts you or makes you feel unloved.
- It’s important that you don’t start a lecture.
- Keep it to one or two sentences of what the issue is
- Don’t offer solutions, just describe the issue
- Don’t go on and on about the past. There is no future in the past
- Probably best not to use the words “always” and “never”
- It’s important that you don’t start a lecture.
- Guy: Repeat what she said in your own words.
- Try to start with “__________ (partner’s name), what I hear you saying is…”. This is called reflective listening and it lowers the apprehension of the person you are talking to. To them, it validates that you have heard them and sets the tone for what you are about to say. Practicing reflective listening also helps you to listen. If you don’t listen you will have nothing to repeat back.
- This helps in the following ways
- Maybe she hasn’t felt heard in the past. Now she knows she got the message through.
- She was able to tell you how she feels without worrying about judgment, condemnation or an argument.
- This may sound crazy, but some people have gotten so accustomed to shutting out the other person that they can no longer hear what their spouse has to say. I was counseling a couple in their fifties and I explained to the man that he would have to repeat what his wife said. He understood. After she said what was troubling her he looked at her, then me and started to cry. He had become so accustomed to not hearing her that he could no longer hear her – even if he tried. I got things calmed down and then explained we’ll try it again. He agreed, so he understood me. She repeated her concern and he had the same results. He looked at both of us and started crying because he couldn’t hear her. I don’t think she was even that surprised at the results. From experience, she knew he didn’t hear her. It was by now a pattern. This is sad, but it is the point we can get to if we neglect listening long enough. By the way, with help, they were able to overcome this.
- Guy: Tell her what you think you can do to meet this need.
- This helps in the following ways
- Not only has she felt heard, but she is hearing (maybe for the first time) how this negative issue can be resolved.
- This helps in the following ways
- Now it is time to reverse roles so the guy has his chance to talk and the gal can tell what she will do to help the situation.
Once the couple sees a wall come down, they generally go wall hunting. I have them start with smaller walls and then graduate to bigger ones once they gain confidence in their wall demolition abilities. In contrast to the stress of building and living with walls, people find it very enjoyable tearing them down and enjoy living free of their entrapment. It is one thing people can do that will again stimulate teamwork and pulling together to make their marriage better. I’ve found that everyone likes light at the end of the tunnel.
Would you like an example of what this really looks like? Kim and I run through the following scenario with both pre-married and married couples. I will mention that the one I use for Kim is made up but the one she talks to me about actually happened when we were first married. Yep, I told you I was a pig. Here’s the role play that Kim and I do for couples.
Mitch to Kim
Mitch: Kim, when we are in public and you tell others that I don’t make enough money, it makes me feel like less of a man. It makes me feel you are ashamed of me.
Kim: Mitch, what I hear you saying is that when I tell others that you don’t make enough money you feel like I don’t love you and you feel like less of a man.
Kim: I’m sorry I do this. You are loved and appreciated and I will do my best to stop doing this.
Summary: Mitch feels heard and truly believes this won’t be an issue in the future. A wall has fallen.
Kim to Mitch
Note: Sometimes what we do or say is ingrained in us and it may be hard to break the habit. If you promise not to do something and then do it your partner may think, “What? You promised!” In the following illustration, I’ll show how to handle an issue that is a habit and may be hard to break.
Kim: Mitch, when we are out with other couples and you make fun of my body, it makes me feel unloved and it hurts me.
Mitch: Kim, what I hear you saying is that when we are with friends and I make fun of your body, it makes you feel like I don’t love you and it makes you sad. (this does not have to be word for word what she said. In fact, there is some authenticity in putting it in your own words.)
Mitch: Kim, I’m sorry. I guess I grew up with this demonstrated to me so I didn’t realize the effect it was having on you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. This is ingrained in me, but I will try my best not to do this again. If I do, when we get home I give you permission to tell me I did it. I promise I will get this corrected.
See how I explained truthfully that I will need to work on this and gave her permission to let me know if I slip up? We’ve had good results with this as long as this is genuine and you do work and resolve the hurtful behavior. Again, a wall has fallen.
Tom and Beth* were a Christian couple that didn’t get premarital counseling from us and got married. She had a little girl from a previous marriage. About a year after they got married things fell apart and he left them. Fast-forward maybe two years and he came into my office on a Monday morning and sat there despondent. He said that he had come to realize that he had deserted them and that he had not been the man that God wanted him to be. He asked what I thought he should do. I asked if she was still speaking to him. While I’m technically on social media, I can’t say I participate or check it often, so his answer made me chuckle. He said, “Well, she hasn’t unfriended me on Facebook yet.” We talked and I offered to meet with them if she agreed. He said that he would ask if she would be willing to come with him for one meeting and talk. She said yes.
The meeting was a good one. For the first thirty minutes, she sat there looking at him and explained how he had hurt her heart. She was pretty forthright, but she was respectful and getting the things out that she needed to. She didn’t raise her voice, but tears were involved. She was so sincere about getting the hurts out into the open. Respectful was how I saw it. Forthright, but respectful. He sat and listened. I was really proud of him. He didn’t argue or try to justify or even apologize for what he had done. She already knew he was sorry. That’s why they were there. He just listened. I remember thinking how smart and caring it was that he was behaving this way. I think saying nothing said more to her than if he would have spoken. When she was finished I heard him say, “Beth, I’m sorry for how I have hurt you and your daughter. I’m not proud of who I was. I would really like to be God’s man. I realize you would probably never want to be together again, but for whatever part of a relationship we could have, would you be willing to meet with Mitch to see what we can do?” She agreed.
I offered for Kim to meet with us and we met with them and worked through the material we do with pre-married couples. I have rewritten the material for married couples that never had been taught the fundamentals of marriage. Before marriage most couples have on rose-colored glasses, so they’re not seeing things as they are. But people who have been married need the same training, just presented so that it can speak to their experience of marriage. We also introduced them to Safe Time early in the process. We met with them every-other-week and instructed them and measured their Safe Time progress. Very soon they experienced some victories in bringing their walls down. This encouraged them to keep working at it. Kim and I watched them slowly shed their baggage and saw their countenance change as the load they had been carrying was being lightened. Meeting by meeting over several months they kept making progress. One week she came in with a smile and said that the Safe Time had been going well but there was one wall that had been up since before they were married. I don’t think she had believed it could come down. She said she thought she would try it and she was surprised that the wall came down. I saw this as a turning point for her. This meant that he was listening to her and that his faith was affecting his will and actions. A few months later and they announced that they had been trying to think of things for Safe Time but they thought all the walls were down. I’ll never forget the look of satisfaction and victory in their faces. We met a few more months and then came the week when they said they would like to get remarried and asked me if I would marry them. It has to be one of the very favorite weddings I’ve done. It was a great experience for all of the family and friends. It’s what can happen when two people say, “God, help me to kill my selfishness and let me be like Jesus. Teach me how to forgive and how to love. God, let our restoration be a testimony to Jesus. May people see Him is us.”
* Real names were changed in this story.
