We love to answer your questions – it keeps us in touch with what you are going through and what you want to know about.  Here is a question from one of our readers:

     As a guy, I felt defeated sexually at times. I wanted more intimacy and sex. Hinting rarely worked and even when I would do “extra” things around the house to lighten the load it still wasn’t enough. What would you recommend for healthy patterns and communication when it comes to wanting sexual intimacy?  

     God created us as sexual beings as part of His plan.  Because of our sin nature, this definitely can be an area of contention in marriage.  We have talked before about how God wants to use our marriage to make us more like Him – this is one of those areas where we will need to exercise greater diligence in understanding one another for our marriage to be all that God intended it to be.  Because of the wrong messages we get from popular culture about this subject, somewhere we have gotten the idea that because we are attracted to one another, things will just naturally come together for us but this is not true. Several things get in the way: men and women are wired differently; our sin nature leads us to think we should get our own way; and the fact that the use of our own body is the last thing that we want to give control of to someone else. Knowing this, we as couples have a lot of work to do to open ourselves up to learning how our spouse views this part of our relationship.

Please Don’t Feel Alone

     It is very common that sex drives don’t match up.  In fact, it is probably very rare that they do. I once heard a man at a marriage seminar say, “If any of you men have a wife with a stronger sex drive than you, don’t raise your hand or we will beat you up!”  While there are exceptions, the man will probably have a stronger sex drive than the woman, but this can change over time. 

How You Grew Up Thinking About Sex Matters

     If sex wasn’t talked about in your family or if it was considered “dirty,” you probably have a different outlook on sex than someone who was raised around a healthy view of sex.  Some parents don’t seem to be able to have a constructive, informative, healthy talk about sex and the continued openness to talk about it when their child needs to. We always ask in premarital counseling where they each learned about sex.  One young lady said she didn’t have a dad and her mom didn’t want to talk with her about it, so her mom asked her dad – the girl’s grandpa – to have “the talk” with her. The young lady said it was the most awkward fifteen minutes of her life.  Her outlook on sex will be different than someone whose parent talks naturally, openly and calmly about the topic. Think back about what shaped your view and expectations of sex. I know of a mom who always told her daughter that men only want one thing, and I wonder how that has shaped her view of sex in her marriage.

     Think for a bit about how you view sex.  If you’ve ever been molested or sexually abused, your view of sex may not be healthy at all.  We teach in our premarital counseling that if this has happened to you, you need to share it with your fiance.  If there is any question about this, I recommend seeing a good Christian counselor.

Men and Women See Sex Differently

     Women, I’m going to tell you something about men.  We think about sex much more than you know.  In a mock newlywed game, they asked Dr. Phil’s wife how she knew when he wanted sex.  She said, “When he’s awake.” Steve Harvey’s wife was on the same show and said he’s “always in the mood.”  A college professor told a story about how he would have his students anonymously journal what they were thinking about during class. He found that after twenty minutes, all the guys were zoned out and thinking about sex.  He said after that he never lectured beyond twenty minutes. Instead, after twenty minutes of lecture, he would get them involved in a discussion or project to keep their mind occupied. I know what you’re thinking – is it realistic that most men can’t go twenty minutes without thinking about sex?  You are right. It’s not realistic. Is it true of most men? Yes.  

     Men, I’m going to tell you something about women.  The key to sexual intimacy with a woman is valuing her as a person, not just her body.  Getting to know who she really is takes time, but it will be so worth it! A good place to start would be with great, thoughtful communication.  Not just, “How was your day?” I mean she wants you to take an interest in her and who she is. There’s a movie Kim and I like to watch from time to time called How to Fall in Love.  In the movie, an awkward, single accountant ends up having his high school crush work with him as a dating coach.  There is a point where she tells him to “listen to what a girl says and repeat it – and when she knows that you are listening, it’s golden in a relationship.”  He sits there like a puppy lapping up this information that he had never thought of. It’s like saying, in order to live, you must breathe, but it is news to him.  Yes, women, many men are this oblivious to your needs.

     Where does all this lead us?  If a wife is going to respond sexually, it will generally be because she has a joining of her soul with her husband… and this happens through communication.  I know what some of you guys are thinking, “Is there a shortcut?” or “If I buy stuff will that work instead?” or “Can I fake sincerity?” No. There are no shortcuts and you can’t buy or fake this.  

     Here’s my observation of the difference in a man and a woman when it comes to sex.  A woman needs a reason to have sex whereas a man needs a place to have sex… and barely a place.  Let’s face it guys, we could live in a cave… and it wouldn’t have to be a nice cave if it had a big enough TV (just today a friend of mine said, “I’d need heat too.”)  For the most part, a woman is wired to respond sexually if she feels safe, loved, accepted, cherished for who she is. Men, on the other hand, are visually stimulated. For example, a husband and wife can have an argument in the morning and be at odds with each other.  That night they still aren’t speaking and haven’t reconciled the issue. Getting ready for bed, the husband sees his wife at some stage of undress and is aroused. He is ready for sex. He is visually stimulated and as strange as it may sound, his brain isn’t really involved with the decision.  His hormones are. I know it sounds hard to believe, but the fact that they aren’t speaking probably doesn’t even register with him. After a few years of marriage experience and being trained differently by her, he may know it but he still doesn’t understand it. In fact, if he rates high on the caveman meter he may even think sex will end the disagreement.  Yep, some of us are that oblivious!

     Here’s what the man doesn’t understand.  If she has sex with him – and they haven’t made up – she feels just like a prostitute!  Virtually every time I tell a man this in marriage counseling, his wife nods her head yes… and he sits and looks at me clueless to what has been said. I might as well be explaining how they get the names for paint colors (another thing men don’t understand).  I have also preached this and have seen a sea of women’s heads nodding yes. After explaining this in my message and explaining to men how to relate to their wives, I have had several women come up to me in the next few weeks and not say anything, but just look at me appreciatively and squeeze my hand.  We both knew she was thanking me for enlightening her husband. 

Here Are Some Suggestions:

Don’t Withhold Sex – Your Body is Not Your Own

     1 Corinthians 7:1-5 tells us.  Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

     Kim and I agree on this.  My body belongs to her and hers belongs to me.  It is not something we understood or were willing to yield to when we were young Christians, but it is something that we have found in the scripture and applied.  We now see the wisdom of God in this arrangement. I am here to fulfill Kim and she is here to fulfill me.  

     Withholding sex just to get our way or punish our spouse is a selfish thing to do.  It’s a way of saying, “You do things my way or else.” Trust me, this is a road you don’t want to go down.  Remember that the generic name for sin is selfishness. If I want to be selfish, I am hurting Kim and vice-versa. If this is you, it will only serve to make your spouse more unfulfilled in your relationship, both sexually and relationally.  Don’t let this go on. Please get to a good Christian counselor.

Fill Your Spouse’s Love Tank

     I wrote a blog article on the 5 Love Languages explaining how it would only make sense that a person would respond better to their spouse’s needs if their love tank is full.  Down at the bottom of this article, I’ve included links to the book and also the 5 Love Languages test (which is free online).

Stressed?  Got sex?

     I was in my freshman year of college and in the middle of my first exams.  I was having back pain in the midst of studying and went to the chiropractor.  He examined me and without any adjusting, he asked me to sit up and look at him.  He explained that my back was not out of place but my muscles were very tense and that was causing my pain.  I told him about the stress of my exams. He told me that God made the most natural and greatest stress reliever… sex.  I’m thinking, OK, this must be the most fun stress reliever ever! I jokingly told him my wife would never believe he said this and asked if he would write me a prescription!  This only makes sense because when a man orgasms his body releases natural tranquilizers which relax the body. 

     I had become friends with one of my counseling professors and I told him about this.  He sat in silence and then said, “This is so true! I just spent the weekend teaching a seminar on stress relief.  I’ve studied stress for years and have never thought of this. I’m going to have to include this in my lectures in the future.”

Schedule Sex???

      I know of a couple who talked it over and agreed they should have sex a certain number of times per month.  The wife has a very precise personality, so she makes sure the quota is met every month. It sounds crazy, but it works for them.

Busyness: The Ultimate Sex Killer

     Busyness takes a toll on your emotional state and will wear you out.  Busyness isn’t a badge of honor or worth, but rather an indicator that you can’t manage your time well. It would only reason that if we are too busy, our sex life will suffer.  “I’m too tired” shouldn’t be an excuse to not have sex, but rather a call to changing your priorities so that you have time for your spouse. Remember, if something is important, we will make time for it.

Just Do It!

     I read an article by a lady who said that the problem with not enough sex is just getting started.  She said she and her husband adopted the Nike philosophy and if one of them wants to have sex that they just do it.  She explained that after they get started there is always a level of enjoyment, even if they weren’t in the mood initially.  Kim and I have adopted this and would suggest it to you. It gives the physical needs of each of us a chance to be fulfilled. For us, it seems to make the marriage better.  Thank you, Nike!

Sex Begins in the Kitchen

      Sex Begins in the Kitchen is the interesting title of a book written by Kevin Leman. It states that there is more to sex than when the lights are off at night.  Sex is about passion and intimacy that can be felt through the day. This starts with communicating. Bringing joy, excitement and yes, even humor into your relationship can help keep a fresh and vital sex life.  A practical example is that maybe you brush against each other in the kitchen in the morning. A look is exchanged that “tonight is the night” (we all need that look). Now, throughout the day, you both anticipate that evening.  Maybe you send an innocent looking text that says, “Can’t wait to see you tonight.” It looks normal, but for both of you, it is packed with excitement and expectancy. It’s a thing of anticipation and it keeps the spark in a relationship.  

     Another lesson to learn from the book is that as a couple you can do different activities and still be together.  It’s called companionship. The author tells how when they were dating that his wife Sande went fishing with him. She said she loved to fish.  Later in their relationship, she would just lie on the boat while he fished. He realized that he was the fish! I love woodworking and while Kim will help me when I need a hand with something, more often she sits in the shop in a reclining lawn chair and reads or does the finances on her computer.  We love being together even if we are doing different things. It also means the world to me when I’m working in the shop and she comes out to be with me. I often stop what I’m doing and set up her chair and make her comfortable. We’re doing different things but we’re still together. Somehow learning to do this has helped our intimacy and we are closer because of this.

Work On It and Give It Time

     It has been said that sex is better after thirty years.  We both agree with that. We think that one reason is because in that amount of time we have experienced so much of life together and learned to trust our spouse with our deeper feelings. Our physical intimacy reflects the culmination of all the effort we have put into understanding one another and coming together in all areas of our marriage. 

I’ll leave you with this because it has been so helpful to Kim and me.  

Sex As Worship

     Has it ever occurred to you that sex was not created in a dark alley behind a bar?  It was created by a loving God as a beautiful expression of love and intimacy between a husband and wife.  It is the ultimate expression of oneness, interdependence, and unselfishness. In fact, it is even more than that.   In our pastoral training, we had a class simply called Worship. We looked into many different ways we can worship God.  Probably one of the most misunderstood aspects of worship is that it is for God, not us. My professor taught that since we are created by God and revere Him, anything we do in reverence to Him is worship.  He then said, since God created sex and it is beautiful between a married couple, then having sex is a form of worship. My professor continued, “If sex within marriage is a gift from God to be enjoyed, then why not sometimes before we partake of this gift, pray and thank God for it and invite him into your experience?”  I know some of you are freaking out right now because you don’t want God to know you are having sex. Guess what? He already knows! It would reason that since He created it for your pleasure that He would appreciate being thanked for it.

     Kim and I were in a furniture store in Shipshewana, Indiana.  We grew up a half-hour from there and we know it is a conservative Amish / Mennonite community.  We enjoy the friendship and company of a lot of Amish / Mennonite people. We were in a store where they had all types of furniture displayed.  I smiled as I called Kim’s attention to a beautiful bed with a large decoration hung above the headboard. The decoration was one word, carved out of wood in cursive.  It was about a foot tall and three feet long. What was the one-word decoration above the headboard and what did it say? Worship. I stood amused and took a picture of the bed with the sign.  In fact, we show the picture to the couples we take through our premarital counseling. Had the Mennonite lady at the register known what I said about sex being worship to God, she would have taken down the sign with a red face!

In Summary

     I believe that generally, a woman wants to be there for her husband sexually but she just isn’t wired like a man.  There are so many variables that I can’t explain them all here. If you can’t agree on how to fulfill each other sexually, please go to a good Christian counselor.  Remember, bedroom intimacy is about the quality of your entire love life, not just the alignment of your bodies.

     I strongly recommend the book Sheet Music for every couple.  In fact, we require our premarital couples to purchase it.  The man that says, “My wife is a cold fish,” doesn’t understand a woman, and a woman that says, “All he wants is sex,” doesn’t understand a man.   This book will help both of you to understand one another better. I knew a lady who said if she never had sex again it wouldn’t bother her at all.  After reading Sheet Music she became aware of how her husband is wired and his needs. She then began responding to her husband. I would suggest you and your spouse read the book together and discuss it to get a better understanding of each other.

Buy the book The Five Love Languages

Link to our Blog Post on The Five Love Languages

Link to the Five Love Languages Online Test

Buy the book Sheet Music here.  We highly recommend it!

Buy the book Sex Begins in the Kitchen