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     The biggest liar you will ever meet looks back at you every morning in the bathroom mirror.  Give that thought some time to settle in. We don’t appreciate liars and we certainly don’t think we are one of them.   So why would I make such a bold statement? Because it is true. Every day we tell ourselves many things, probably hundreds of them… out loud or silently. Many of these are false and negative and hinder our self-esteem. This negatively affects our relationships with ourselves, with God, and with others.  See if any of these ring a bell…

• I can’t
• I’m not good enough
• God can’t use me
• God can use that person, but not me
• I’m not attractive enough
• Everyone must like me and it would be terrible if they didn’t
• If you only knew that thing I did, you’d know why God can’t love me
• Because this happened to me, I’m damaged and I will never recover or be whole
• There’s nothing I can do for God’s Kingdom.
• If only I were skinny, rich and good-looking…
• I wish I could ____________________
• I’ll never be able to ____________________
• It would be terrible if ___________________
• God can’t love me because ___________________
• I’ll never get a better job because _________________
• I’ll never get married because ____________________

     There are many books on the topic of how we think or what we tell ourselves.  The book that has changed my life more than other (except the Bible) is called Telling Yourself the Truth.  I’ve taught this book in a small group many times and it has made a huge impact on many lives.  Our church has small groups in three-month semesters. I taught it three semesters in a row and had one hundred people take the class.  In fact, at the end of every semester, we ended with more in attendance than what we started with. Several times, people came asking to purchase another book because they had given their book away to help someone else.  With so many people, I knew we couldn’t have a small group discussion, so I led an opening for a half-hour and then enlisted some good group facilitators and the people met in the same small groups each week for discussion. This book was that impactful!

    I should note this is not a self-help book, but a book that emphasizes how a Christian should think to fulfill the purpose God has for them.  It suggests that to make positive changes, we should examine our thinking and follow these three simple steps:

1. Identify the misbelief
2. Argue against it
3. Replace it with the truth

     Let me give you an example.  I’m 5’ 6” tall. There is this unwritten rule in high school that you can’t date girls taller than you.  To me, that seemed like over half the girls in my class. Consequently, I felt like I was less of a person because I was short.  I’ve since learned it wasn’t just me who thought that way. In fact, it is often called “short man syndrome” or “Napoleon’s syndrome”.  That is when a man thinks he has to compensate for his shortness by being in control or being very successful and making lots of money.  Maybe his self-image is so low that he feels he doesn’t measure up, so he is compelled to tear down everyone around him (including his spouse and children) to bring them to his level.  

     Here are some real-life epiphanies I’ve gotten while teaching Telling Yourself the Truth.  After three weeks, I asked each group member to come back the next week with a misbelief they tell themselves.  One very nice lady came back the following week before class and asked me, “Do you want to know what my misbelief is? I had to tell myself that I wasn’t a bitch.” Now, one of my counseling professors once told me to never let my chin hit the desk when someone tells me something so shocking.  She was such a nice lady!  In my mind, I was thinking, how could she think such a terrible thing about herself? I kept my composure and calmly asked her why she felt she had to tell herself that. 

      She replied, “Here’s my epiphany. I work in debt collections. Last night I told myself, ‘I’m not a bitch.’ I was wondering why I felt that way and then this morning the first three people I talked to told me I was.”

     Kim and I were stunned and we hurt for her because we knew she was such a kind lady. But that was a pivotal moment for her.  Since that time, her self-talk has changed and she has blossomed like a beautiful flower.  She knows she is beautiful in God’s sight and is walking in the truth of God’s word. She knows that God created her and has a purpose for her, and what hurtful people say to her won’t change these facts.  Since that time, she has even gotten married and had a child. Think of how her self-esteem has changed and how different of a person she would be to be if she hadn’t stopped telling herself the lies and started living in the assurance and truth of God’s word.  I sometimes think of the positive change in her life and how this will impact her child.

      Another lady told me, “I almost didn’t read the chapter this week on anger because I don’t get angry and yell and throw things.  I read it though and I’m glad I did. What I learned about myself is that I have unrealistic expectations of my husband… and when he doesn’t fulfill my expectations, I burn and seethe with anger inside.”  Then she reflectively said, “…and that’s probably not much better than yelling and throwing things, is it?” One can only imagine how this has changed her marriage. Coming to an understanding of our misconceptions can only be a good thing.

     One man from the class had just gone through a gut-wrenching divorce and felt like a failure.  By understanding his self-talk and how negative his attitude was, he was able to turn things around. Within the twelve weeks that the class met, he became a whole different person.  At first, he sent out a signal that he couldn’t be approached because he was too hurt. He had nothing to give. Later, he opened up and had so much to give and help others.  He became an usher and his warm smile and friendly greeting became a refreshing testimony for other hurting people.

     The way you think will change the chemical composition of your body.  Think about it.  If you are happy and smiling, you are relaxed.  If you are angry and sad, you are tense. I’ll say it again, the way you think changes the chemical composition of your body.  It’s no wonder the Bible says you will be changed by the renewing of your mind. When my mom was in her late seventies, my dad and us kids bought her a new computer for Christmas.  I took her to a website that estimates how long you have to live. Real pleasant, I know (hey, I figure life insurance companies have to figure out the same thing). My mom and I have a great sense of humor so we put in all her information, age, weight, height and so on.  When we got done it gave her the results – “I’m sorry, your time has expired. Have a nice day”. We laughed so hard! I even took a picture of the screen to commemorate the moment. I did some experimenting and put in my own information. By changing my outlook from optimistic to pessimistic, I shortened my life-span by about eight years.  If the way we think changes the chemical composition of our body, then I reasoned that it would only make sense that an optimistic person would live longer than a pessimistic one.

     We’ve all met them, that person who isn’t happy unless they are making everyone else in their life miserable (made you think of someone, didn’t I?).  They spend their time making turmoil and disagreeing. When I want to relax my brain and not think, I will sometimes go to YouTube and occasionally come across these sorts of people.  Like the person who refuses to cooperate with a police officer that is doing his job, and then is so proud of it that they want everyone to see it on the Internet.  I wonder if their identity doesn’t become one with the people with the same negative thoughts and reasonings.  There are those whose mission in life is to taunt police and then exploit their views for the world to see. If that is what motivates them to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other… well, that’s an interesting way to live out the purpose of their lives.

     My mom was a worrier and was always sure she would die of cancer.  This fear consumed her and drove her to overeat to comfort herself.  As a result, at 79 years old she needed a surgery, but since she was too heavy, the doctors feared she wouldn’t live through the surgery.  Six months later she died. I think I can safely say that our family believes my mom’s worry contributed to her death. It has been said that worry is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy but doesn’t get you anywhere.  I believe it does much more than not get you anywhere – it can kill you. This is why it is so important to tell yourself the truth. The truth is, worry is nothing more than a lack of trust in God.  

      I love to see people realize their potential in Christ.  It fuels me to keep striving to learn more, invest more, and help more people.  I give away quite a few copies of the book Telling Yourself the Truth every year.  Here’s one of many stories as a result of giving a book to someone. A man who managed a large area for Celebrate Recovery chapters was in my office to talk about his ministry and how to help others. I gave him a copy of the book. He called me a few weeks later and said, “I’d like to meet with you.  I’d rather meet sooner than later, when can you meet?” We set up a lunch appointment the next day, and he brought the book with him and thanked me. While he’d only had it a few weeks, it looked well worn and tattered.  He said he would be reading at least a page of the book every day for the rest of his life and use it to help others.

     The Bible makes it clear that we are to think in a way that will achieve the purpose God has for us. Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to this world.  The world has a way for us to think and it isn’t God’s way.  In other words, we are to let God transform us by changing the way we think.  The verse continues by telling us that we will be changed by the renewing of our minds.   Change starts with the renewed mind… by the changing of our minds. In fact, there is no place in the Bible that says we can’t change.  Nowhere. If you say you can’t change, you are saying that you don’t want to change.

     The best way to change is to be accountable to someone.  If I lose my keys and Kim hears me say, “Mitch, you idiot”, Kim then says, “Excuse me… I didn’t marry an idiot.”   I need that accountability! Most women don’t like their body. So on a regular basis, I ask Kim why she is so beautiful.  She has to say, “That’s just how God made me”. I’d invite you to get involved in this study with your spouse. Maybe another Christian couple or a small group.  Get a few copies of the book and change your life for the better. Here are three thoughts to reflect on.

• There is no one out there having a meeting to make you a better person.  You have to do this yourself.
• When you learn to love yourself, you will have more love to give to your spouse.  
• The only way to have the best possible marriage is for each of you to be the best possible version of yourself, and you can’t do that when you are letting “stinkin’ thinkin’” determine your self-worth and purpose.

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