Three Things Everyone Longs For
In his book EntreLeadership, Dave Ramsey talks about three things we all crave. He says we yearn for appreciation, attention, and affection. I love working with people and teams of people to bring out the best in everyone. Coaches get praised for winning championships, bosses get praised for reaching a goal, and we strive for all kinds of things, just to get one of these three itches scratched. Since we’re a marriage blog, let’s look at these three yearnings in the context of marriage. Marriage is the most intimate relationship two people can have. The Bible says it is the only relationship where two people can become one flesh, so how can we meet these needs in our spouse?
We Long for Appreciation
Appreciation is key to any relationship. Appreciating someone makes them feel good about what they do, and that makes a difference in their lives. It makes them feel better about themselves, urging them to go on with new vigor, and strengthening your relationship.
I once had a lady and her husband come for counseling. My grandpa would have said that he followed her in like a whipped pup. As she sat down she started by saying, “There is nothing wrong with me. Let me tell you what’s wrong with him.” No, I’m not making this up. In thirty years of counseling, I think I’ve seen everything twice and I’m now starting on the third time! Of course, I wanted to say, “Lady, I have no idea what is happening with your husband, but with an attitude like that, we need to book at least five sessions with you!”
Here’s some news for wives. People think the man is the strong one in a marriage, but I haven’t found that to be the case. Men have an incredibly fragile ego and it can be shattered so easily by the things you say and do. A woman who publicly says that her husband isn’t a good lover or a good provider might as well castrate him. I know that sounds drastic, but hopefully it will help you remember it. Wives, you can make your man all the man you want him to be by the way you treat him. A man needs to feel he’s loved. It is one of the key needs of a man. He needs to know that if he weren’t here, he would be missed.
Here’s some news for husbands. Being a wife is not as easy as we think it is. Try to think of all she does and how much it would be missed if she weren’t here doing it. If you can’t grasp this, just watch the things she does and then try to do some of those things and see what it’s like. Often, wives will put demands on themselves that aren’t realistic. Help her know that she’s enough. Also, most women don’t have a good body image. Very few believe they are beautiful. It is your responsibility to tell her that you believe she is beautiful. Sit with her and listen to the Alabama song, “Close enough to perfect for me.” It’s a fun way to learn what a woman needs.
We Long for Attention
Seeking attention is actually seeking validation. It is an important need. People will do all kinds of things for attention. Sometimes in public, I will see someone who is doing all they can to draw attention to themselves, yet they are acting like they aren’t doing so. I find this interesting. Some of the obvious ways people draw attention to themselves are tattoos, piercings, colorful hair, and the way they dress. A person who dresses suggestively is saying, “I don’t think I can get your attention as I am, so I’m going to dress like this to get your attention.” I was watching a talk show one time and a lady being interviewed was wearing something that showed a lot of cleavage. When she realized the interviewer was looking at her cleavage, she said, “ Hey, I’m up here,” to which he replied, “You wore that blouse to get me to look at your face?” In other words, we can identify people yearning for attention in these not so subtle ways.
Not everyone is so loud about it though. We want attention, we just don’t want to shout it. Controlling the conversation or using charm and flattery are ways to draw attention. Sometimes the people with the most insecurities are comedians and through their comedy, they will get the attention they desire without the vulnerability of a relationship. I have a friend who is very funny – when I told him about this, he said it is exactly true for him.
So your spouse wants your attention. Guys, your woman wants to know what’s going on inside you. They long to know who we are and what makes us tick. It’s not uncommon for Kim to ask me what I’m thinking. I don’t think most guys ask their wives what they are thinking though. They want to know us better… and they can’t do that unless they can get our attention.
They also want us to listen to them. Usually, they don’t want their problem fixed, they just want our attention so we will understand their experience. This is perfectly natural, yet a lot of guys have trouble listening without going into the “fix it” mode. I believe the wife is saying, “This is what’s happening inside me and I’d like you to listen and pay attention. That’s what I need right now. ” Personally, I believe this is a great thing. They just want us to pay attention to them. Guys, don’t complicate this basic need of a woman. If this is a struggle, then try to use reflective listening. When she says something, say, “What I hear you saying is…” That’ll work.
When your wife changes her hairstyle or gets new clothes, she expects you to notice. Our complacency can keep us from giving her the attention she wants and needs. If we really love someone, we’ll try to fill their love tank. Paying attention does just that. I once heard that the opposite of love isn’t hate, because both love and hate have a lot of passion in them. The opposite of love is indifference. That’s what a wife sees when you don’t pay attention to her… and rightly so. Give your spouse your attention. You certainly did before you were married. Do you think it will require less attention to keep your love burning strong?
We Long for Affection
The need for affection arises because it makes us feel secure and wanted by another individual. Receiving affection fulfills our desire to know we are compatible with another human being, especially in a marriage.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the cowboys on TV riding off into the sunset and I thought that was cool. They were so content and so sure of themselves. They didn’t need anyone. Then I realized that only happens in the movies. The fact is that we all have the need to feel secure and wanted by another person. One of Kim’s biggest needs is to know that she will be loved for a lifetime.
The need to know that we are compatible is also a strong part of affection. When a person gets a divorce, they not only mourn losing the other person, but they also mourn losing their dreams and expectations of what they thought the marriage would be. They thought they had found the person they would be compatible with for the rest of their lives… and then that dream is shattered. Knowing we are compatible feeds our self-worth. We can feel more complete if we know someone will be on our team. When that person leaves us, we can feel isolated and that we aren’t compatible with anyone. We have a strong need to be compatible. Some people rush into another relationship after their divorce for this very reason.
Here are some ways to meet your spouse’s needs for appreciation, attention, and affection.
- Give them your full attention.
Turn off the TV, put down the book, and stop what you are doing. Giving your attention says, “I care.”
- Anticipate their needs.
Doing things before they ask makes them feel wanted. Everyone likes being served from time to time.
- Know their love language.
Learn to tell them you love them in the way that they best respond to. Take the love language test at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/
- Let them know you are listening.
Use reflective listening. Say, “What I hear you saying is… ”
- Touch them.
Personal contact can speak louder than words.
- Make time for them.
Sync your calendars and schedule weekly recurring dates or times to do something together.
- Make eye contact.
Eye contact says, “I care.”
- Hold them close.
Most women respond to just being held. This doesn’t mean sex, guys, but surprisingly, being held may lead a woman to want intimacy.
- Compliment them.
Guys, the world is telling your wife she doesn’t measure up. Tell her she does. I love to hold Kim’s hand and listen to the Alabama song, “Close enough to perfect for me.” Gals, your man has a need to be affirmed and have his ego stroked. You can make him as much of a man as you want by how you talk to him.
- Be their biggest fan.
Be their cheerleader… their biggest fan. Let them know they mean the world to you!
- Ask them what they want (it’s the best way to understand them).
Study your spouse. Treat them as you did when you dated. It won’t take less effort to keep their love than it did to earn it.
- Accept them as they are.
One man said, “She doesn’t love me, she loves the man she wants me to be.” He didn’t feel accepted.
- Don’t neglect physical love.
There is something about physical love that literally binds a couple together. It is intimate and self-giving. Practice our “Nike” theory. If one of you wants to be intimate, ‘just do it!’
When you sign up for marriage, you are signing up to meet the needs of your spouse. As I’ve matured, I’ve found that if I meet Kim’s needs, my needs get met. Somehow meeting her needs fills my love tank. It’s like going to the mission field thinking I will help these people and then learning that they have changed my life more than I changed theirs. Meeting the needs of your spouse may feel like you are doing all the giving, but it also reaps great rewards. Being a beautiful, giving person to your spouse is the best way to get those things back. Every spouse has the need for appreciation, for attention, and affection and it’s your privilege to provide these things so they can flourish as a person and a spouse. Your spouse is just on loan to you from God. He created them. Remember to take really good care of them.
