Unkind Words

    Sometimes unkind words just roll off our lips like a tornado that blows through, leaving destruction in its path.  We can walk through the damage and try to pick up the pieces, but the damage is already done. It would be so good if we could prevent this from happening in the first place.  Here’s a Biblical lesson that hastened me into an attitude of not saying unkind words to Kim.

    I’d only been married a few years and one day I was listening to James Dobson on the Focus on the Family radio program.  Dr. Dobson had Steve and Annie Chapman on the show and they sang a song called “If You Leave a Hurt.” One line says, Every man who has taken a wife, You had better beware.  If you leave a hurt in the heart of your woman, God will not hear your prayer.  

    After the song, Dr. Dobson said he had never considered that, and then he read 1 Peter 3:7, which says, Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.  They then talked about how this was a fundamental truth that we must learn and adapt our speech to this standard.   

    I once heard Annie Chapman say in a concert that a woman can castrate her man faster with her tongue than a person can with a knife.  I believe that to be true. All a woman has to do is to tell her man he’s not a good lover or a good provider and it emasculates and cripples him.  It’s even worse if she criticizes him in public.

What We Say to Others

    The following story led me to make the decision to never say an unkind word to anyone about Kim.  Our son Silas was in college, and a guy from his dorm came over to his room and spent some time dissing his girlfriend.  When the guy finished talking, Si just stared at him and didn’t say anything. It unnerved the guy and he finally said, “I guess I shouldn’t talk about my girlfriend like that.”  

     Si responded, “All I know is that I’m 22 years old and I’ve never heard my dad say anything negative about my mom.”  A few months later the guy was back and told Si he had gotten engaged to the same girl. He then said he was going to follow his dad’s example!

     If you think about it, we don’t respect people who tear others down.  In fact, when we tear down someone else, it actually damages us because it causes others to lose respect for us.  Not only that, if you say negative things about your spouse, you can apologize to them and forget about the hurt you’ve caused, but your friends and relatives will remember.  Now your spouse’s relationship with these people will be damaged.

What We Say to Our Spouses

    It is easier to avoid saying unkind things to others about our spouse than to avoid saying unkind things directly to our spouse.  I believe we all struggle with this. We are, after all, selfish people living in a fallen world. That doesn’t mean we can’t try!  Like any other skill, this can be learned over time. Our minds work in an interesting way – they don’t just believe the truth, but they often believe what they are told.

    I once knew a wife who would emasculate her husband regularly.  After years of this behavior, when she thought he was no longer a man, she left him.  She didn’t realize that with her tongue she had the power to make him as much of a man as she wanted him to be.  He could have been the man she wanted if she had only steered her tongue into encouragement instead of discouragement.

What Changed Me

    All the teaching in the world doesn’t compare with the actual experience I had in learning to control my tongue.  I was studying for the ministry and before I went to my office to write a message, I said some unkind words to Kim.  I went in expecting to write the message… but it didn’t come. I knew I had hurt Kim. After a while, I sensed God telling me that I should go apologize to her.  I simply thought, “no.” After trying to write a message in my own power for another hour, I sensed God again telling me to apologize. This time I literally looked up and said out loud, “I’m not going to do it!”  

     God replied, “Fine, sit there then.”  After even more time without God guiding me in the message, I humbled my heart and went and gave Kim a heartfelt apology.  Then I went back upstairs and wrote the sermon.

     This is when I decided not to say unkind words to Kim again.  Am I perfect? Heavens no. Do I sometimes say something hurtful?  Yes, I do, but it isn’t very often and I do apologize afterward. I just try to really think things through before something hurtful comes out.

The Other Side of This Issue

    If an unkind word can hinder my prayers to God, then it would stand to reason that if I treat Kim with the respect she deserves, that it would hasten my prayers to God.  I have made it a priority to consciously give Kim praise every day. I’ve heard that a woman needs to know she is loved at least seven times a day. I make sure to let Kim know she is loved and cherished.  Since my praise outnumbers the infrequent unkind things I may say out of frustration or hurt, Kim knows my true feelings and passion for her.

    Jesus said to be perfect as He is perfect.  This isn’t just a poetic exaggeration. It means although we are imperfect, we are to strive to be perfect.  If we strive to do this, we should at least begin to temper our tongue toward the one we vowed to love and cherish for as long as we both shall live.