Q&A: What Does the Phrase Dying to Self Mean?

     Here’s a question we received from one of our readers: What does the phrase “dying to yourself” mean? 

     There is one major obstacle to my marriage happiness… me.

     We mirror what we do on this blog and on our YouTube channel.  I will have the YouTube link for you at the bottom of this post in the event you want to check it out.  When we shot this particular video, I decided to try something different. Instead of writing out the outline, I simply interviewed Kim on this topic.  We did it live because this is our wheelhouse; what we’ve consciously focused on for most of our marriage. Dying to self means to crucify our own selfishness.  We already did a post on crucifying selfishness and you may want to check it out first. I’ve also put the link to our “Crucifying Selfishness” video below.

    I think it is fair to say that everyone who is married has had some issues with expectations and getting our own way.  Don’t stress over it. It’s in God’s plan. Let me explain.  

Why did God make marriage?

     Marriage is God’s plan.  It is something He created, and He created it for a purpose.  God instituted it and told us it was the closest possible relationship two people could have.  In fact, he called it “one flesh”. We only get this relationship with our spouse… no one else.

Why didn’t God just sanctify (make me perfect) when we got married to avoid all of this?

     God wants us to be like Him.  Why? Because it is in our best interest.  It will bring the greatest joy and the greatest reward, both here and in Heaven.

So what is God’s goal for marriage?

     Marriage is a tool God uses to expose our selfishness.  Marriage doesn’t make us selfish, it just exposes it in us.  Being “one flesh” allows someone to get under our skin. In plain words, marriage doesn’t thrive with selfishness at the helm.  In fact, it flounders and fails.  

     God wants us to live a life where we look to Him.  Marriage is the ultimate testing grounds for this to happen.  We can be someone artificial with our friends, but not to our spouse.  They know who we are when our guests leave for the evening.  

     God created Kim… and He created me, and He gave us one Spirit that cannot be at odds with itself.  Therefore marriage exploits our selfishness and God’s grace to overcome it. 

So, what is selflessness?

     Selflessness is acknowledging our selfishness to God and asking Him to help us live out less of our sinful nature and more of God’s nature.  Selflessness is considering the needs, thoughts, and feeling of our spouse. It is trying to see things from their perspective.  

Why would we want to be selfless?

     If we have accepted the forgiveness of Christ, then we will want to live like and please Christ.   Jesus died for you and forgave all your sins… the ultimate selfless act. The rest of your life is a daily opportunity to show Him your appreciation.  Jesus isn’t a figure hanging from our car rear-view mirror. Jesus is the Lord of the universe! Either Jesus is Lord of your life or He’s not – in other words, either Jesus is Lord of all – or He’s not Lord at all.   Max Lucado once said, “You only need to pause at the base of the cross and be reminded of this. The maker of the stars would rather die for you than to live without you.” Does the sacrifice of Jesus for your soul motivate you?

What are the results of living a selfless life?

     Note that I said selfless, not sinless.  We’re not perfect – none of us, but we can strive to be selfless.  When our spouse sees us trying to be selfless, something magical happens.  Kim is meek and I can come across boldly. I could run over Kim… but for years Kim has seen me striving not to do this, and it speaks to her heart.  She sees the Spirit of God at work in me and it draws her to me. I have seen her heart change to become a beautiful, sincere Christ-follower… and it softens my heart for her and makes me constantly fall in love with her over and over again.

     Also, our faith becomes fact, not folly.  We know who we are inside and what we really believe and who we really are.  I can walk with dignity knowing God is working in me.  

What does selflessness look like?

Here are a few examples of what it looks like to me.

• I value Kim’s opinion and listen to her ideas.  In doing so, I add value to her life.
• I openly ask how I am doing and how I can improve as a husband.
• I do little things constantly
  • I make the bed
  • I clear the table
  • I vacuum because it hurts her back to do so
  • I open her car door
  • I watch her and when she is tired, I encourage her to rest
    • This includes not overcommitting our schedule 
  • We have monthly finance meetings so neither of us feels alone with the finances
  • If the trash is anywhere near full, I empty it and put a new trash liner in the can
  • I try to clean up the dog droppings so she doesn’t have to

     You get the idea.  Selflessness is a lot like sacrificing.  By dying, Jesus ultimately created life for us.  If He hadn’t died, He wouldn’t have needed to come back to life.  We are made in God’s image and when we die to ourselves, we come alive.  When I die to myself and see Kim benefiting, I come alive. If you are thinking selflessness wears you out, you are wrong.  Selflessness fuels us because we know we are emulating Jesus… and we’re never happier than when we are doing that!

Click here to read our blog on Crucifying Selfishness 

Click here to watch our video on Crucifying Selfishness