Why Doesn’t My Spouse Fulfill Me?… AKA How Can I Change My Spouse?

     When we had been married a few years, Kim noticed I had been grumpy for a few days.  On the farm, we had these irrigation systems that were a pain to work with. I hated running them.  At lunch one day, Kim told me that she had noticed how I was down and she wondered if that coincided with getting out the irrigation systems and servicing them for the season.  The light came on and I agreed that it was frustrating to work with them and I had allowed that to overcome my emotions and mood.  

     When things aren’t going well in a relationship, our tendency is to look at changing the other person, not ourselves – assuming the issue is with our spouse instead of us.  One of the things I admire most about Kim is that if things aren’t going well, she will look at herself first and see if maybe the issue is with her instead of me. She says that learning this lesson was a big step for her.  I believe it. Her being that way has helped me to be less self-righteous and look inward to see if the issue is me. Also, as I began to practice looking for issues with myself first, experiences like the irrigation systems reinforced my understanding.  I realized that before I snap at Kim, I need to look into my own thoughts to see if I am centered and mentally healthy.

Going Into Marriage With the Right Expectations

     I was once at a church service where they had been looking for a new pastor. They’d asked the church the week before to bring their lists of what they wanted in a pastor.  The head of the elders read the list in front of the congregation. Being a young pastor in training, it showed me that the expectations of the people weren’t going to be met by any pastor – the list went on and on and on!  The thing some people wanted was the very thing others did not want. I have no doubt that even Jesus could not have met their expectations. It helped me understand that our expectations lead us to being happy or unhappy. Therefore, having healthy expectations are the place to start planning for our happiness.  We don’t usually think of it this way though.

     What are your expectations for marriage, love, and unity?  It may interest you to know that it has only been in the last fifty years that we’ve been marrying for love.  For thousands of years, marriage was about gaining the right in-laws, authority, and to gain a helpmate for handling the tasks of daily life.  Today, we have so many conveniences that the tasks of daily life are no longer the consideration they once were. Even so, our expectations today are higher than ever for marriage.  We expect emotional fulfillment, sexual fulfillment, and shared interests as well as someone to help us with the chores. If our expectations are more realistic, we should expect to have a spouse that we are interested in, and then over time develop and nurture that interest into the love that only God can instill in our relationship. 

Are You the Created, or the Creator?

     God has created us as we are.  There are things about Kim that really, I mean really, used to get under my skin.  Then I realized that God made her the way He did because that’s the way He wanted her.  So why was I so set on changing her? Did I really believe it my responsibility to go to God and say, “I know you created Kim, but I see some places that you messed up, so don’t worry, I’ll fix this?”  When you stop and think about it, that attitude is pretty arrogant. Especially since God is all-knowing and we are not. As for me, I’ve looked in the mirror recently and perfection is not in my immediate future.  So why would I think I can improve on what God has made in His creation of Kim? 

     Think about this.  God doesn’t need your help to fix your spouse.  Also, for every idiosyncrasy that you see in your spouse, there is probably at least one you have in yourself.

     It has been my experience that I am much happier if I work on refining myself instead of working to refine Kim (by the way, Kim is much happier too!).  God knows what He is doing. Maybe some of the things we might want to change in our spouse are actually there to refine us. As a type-A person, I’m pretty energetic and motivated!  Kim, on the other hand, is very calm and laid back. When we were first married, I thought it would be better if she were more like me. I was wrong. What I have learned over the years is that the beauty of Kim’s calmness has helped me to be much less type-A, and I’ve become a much more balanced person.  And, by the way, I like this version of me a lot better. What if for the past 37 years I had tried to make Kim more like me? Where would our marriage be? She wouldn’t feel loved or accepted. Instead, she would probably feel she doesn’t measure up to my standards.  

     I once counseled a man who said, “My wife isn’t in love with me.  She’s in love with the man she wants me to be and she won’t be happy unless I become that man.”  She refused to respect him for who he was or change how she treated him, and they divorced. This man didn’t feel loved or accepted by his spouse… and I don’t believe he was loved or accepted.  When Kim accepts me in spite of my imperfections, it makes me want to accept her in spite of hers.

None of Us Have It All Together, So Lower the Bar of Your Expectations

     Part of marriage is understanding that in some ways I’m not proud of who I am, but it’s what I bring to the marriage and would you please love me anyway?  This is the beginning of honesty in a relationship. We all need this humility and honesty for us to see ourselves as we are and be less critical of our spouse.  Once I realize that I don’t have it all together, it helps me lower my expectations of perfection for my spouse.

Finding Joy in Your Spouse’s Joy

     I believe one of the biggest mistakes we as Christians make is expecting our spouse to fulfill us.  No one can fulfill us but Christ. There is a place in us that only God can fill – I like to call it our God tank. God gave us a natural longing to have it filled, but the problem is that we can morph into expecting our spouse to fill our God tank.  Kim is the most beautiful person I know, but she’s not Jesus and she will never fill the God tank in me. Only God can do that.

     Once God fills my God tank, then I have the passion and fuel to care for Kim’s needs.  If we are sincerely looking for the best in our partner, then our focus should be on providing them with joy instead of worrying about our own joy.  The kind of love God instills in us gives us more joy when our spouse is happy than when we are happy. In other words, I am happier when Kim is happy than when I am trying to make myself happy.  This is one of the great mysteries of God that the world can’t comprehend. It parallels the mystery that he who finds his life will lose it and he that loses his life will find it.

     One of the things I love most is when Kim shares something about one of her passions that brings her joy.  I find great joy in her happiness! Kim likes sewing and when she has completed something, she brings it to me and I am excited to see her excited about her creation!  While I have sewed a few simple things, this doesn’t mean I have to take up sewing to find joy in what she likes. There are days when she is in the sewing room and I’m in the garage doing woodwork.  We are separate, but we know each of us is enjoying their hobby and we are happy for the other person.

Let’s Bring This All Together

     First of all, our expectations need to be realistic.  Marriage isn’t about me, it is about us. Ask yourself if your expectations include your spouse and their needs?  

     Secondly, you aren’t the creator, God is.  A makeover of your spouse is just a false-hope notion that is more apt to guarantee your frustration than satisfaction.  Accept the person God made and learn to love them.   

     Thirdly, you don’t have it all together.  This means your ways aren’t necessarily any better than your spouse’s, so give and take a little.  Better yet, give what you think is a lot, then it will probably be more equal than you think.

     Fourthly, get your joy from Christ and your expectations of your spouse will diminish.  In short, you won’t have the same expectations from your spouse. Jesus is big enough to fill your God tank.  You don’t need a human to do this for you.

     As I mentioned before, we all have two tanks – a God tank and also a love tank for our spouse.  If we seek out God, He will fill our God tank and that fulfillment changes the person we are with our spouse.  Our focus then becomes looking to fill our spouse’s love tank instead of expecting them to fill our love tank.

     Imagine two people with God tanks that are full and their purpose becomes looking at their spouse’s love tank and making sure that it is full.  The stress of our spouse fulfilling us is gone… and instead, we are appreciative of what they do for us. Just as we don’t get our fulfillment from what is happening around us, neither do we get fulfillment from what our spouse does.  Since God fills the God tank, we are freed to spend our time and energy filling the love tank in our spouse. That’s what God wants us to do.