This topic brings me to an area of married life that I find common, yet ungodly.  Often people believe that marriage is something that needs to be endured like an ongoing pain.  They tell jokes about it and infer that the opposite sex is a force to be reckoned with. The problem with this is that we hit what we look at.

Kim and I both have motorcycle endorsements on our driver’s licenses.  I had ridden for many years, but when our family got involved in riding we all took a motorcycle safety class.  I learned I had some bad habits and also learned I can always learn something from others.

One thing they taught us at the training is that we hit what we look at.  They gave an example of riding down the freeway following a truck and a ladder falls out of the truck and slides down the freeway.  They taught us that if you continue to look at the ladder, you will hit it. They taught us instead to look at your safe exit route. If you do so, you will hit it (the exit route).  You hit what you look at.

A prime example of hitting what you look at happened to our friends Kevin & Patti.  They were cycling in the south when up ahead Kevin saw a dead opossum in the road. It was a hot summer day, it was in their lane and it was very ripe.  Kevin hadn’t been taught that you hit what you look at. He later said, “I just kept staring at it believing I was going to miss it.” Instead, he hit it dead center and there was an explosion of great proportions.  At the next town, they had to go to a carwash.

Don’t think this is true?  They gave another example in a video where they showed a group of people standing in a circle quickly passing a ball back and forth randomly to each other.  After a few minutes of doing this, the people were so ingrained in the activity that when a man walked through their circle with a gorilla costume on, they didn’t even see him.  They got ingrained in their activity and didn’t see the gorilla man. They also taught that people come to a stop sign and look for a car, so they don’t see the motorcycle – because they weren’t looking for one.  That’s why you see the bumper stickers, “Motorcycles are everywhere.”

Here’s a way for you to test this “hit what you look at” theory.  Sometime when you are driving down a multi-lane road and there’s no one around, change lanes and watch the little reflectors or the painted lines (these are a better target than a dead opossum – smile).  Watch the target and try to miss it with your left wheels. It’s difficult. Now, focus on the area between the reflectors or lines and guess what? You will miss the reflector or line. You hit what you look at.

It’s no different in marriage.  You will hit what you look at. If you want to concentrate on the flaws of your spouse, you will certainly find them.  If you decide instead to concentrate on their good qualities, you will find them. Like anything else, this becomes easier with practice.  I can guarantee you that if you choose to compliment your spouse for the good in them or criticize for the things you don’t like, you will have totally different marriage results.  Crucifying selfishness means concentrating on our own faults instead of our spouses’. I need to focus on becoming the person God wants me to be, not try to be the Holy Spirit for my spouse.

Here’s how to apply it to your marriage.  At the time of our repentance to God, He wipes out our sin.  He ‘sees it no more’. It is ‘dropped into the sea of forgetfulness’.  It is ‘cast as far as the east is from the west.’ Get the idea? This doesn’t happen because God loses things or has a bad memory.  This happens because the sacrifice of Christ is enough. If I’m supposed to be like Christ, why can’t I adopt this blanket of forgetfulness for Kim’s flaws?  After all, I’m not God. I’m not perfect. Who do I think I am that I can have less tolerance for Kim’s shortcomings than Christ has for mine? If ‘while we were still sinners Christ died for us’, then why do I feel the need for my spouse to have it all together as a condition for me to love them?  Are we really saying that Christ can forgive, but I can’t? I believe when we do this we are putting ourselves above Christ… and I can assure you that never goes well. Never. Matthew 6:14 tells us if we forgive others, our sins will be forgiven, but it also goes on to say that if we don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive our sins.  Let’s wake up! It’s not difficult to see that God wants us to emulate His forgiveness while we’re here on earth. This brings glory to God and it draws people to Him.

So, if I want to look for Kim’s faults, I can certainly find them.  If I choose to focus on the mercy I have been given, am still getting, and will be given by God in the future, I’m on the right track to not focus on Kim’s shortcomings.  In years of practicing this, I’ve come to the point that I refuse to look for her faults. I allow God’s spirit of mercy to come into me and help me in this.

PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON!  BIG CHALLENGE HERE!

Change of thinking equals a change of results

When God looks at a Christian, He doesn’t see our sin, but the forgiveness of Christ.  In other words, he sees us as sinless. This is called positional sanctification. Yes, the sacrifice of Christ is that big!  Don’t get me wrong. I have sinned and will sin in the future. I still have a sin nature that I am to struggle against. While my sins are forgiven by God, that doesn’t make me perfect in man’s eyes.  It does make me perfect in God’s eyes though. This is supernatural! This is why we praise and worship God. This is why we live our lives for Him.

Now, if we as believers are to love as God loves us, we should be able to at least try to go in this direction.  The world conditions us to look for the faults in our spouse. Comedians, TV shows, movies, and songs all train us to see the faults in our spouses.  Like sheep, we follow along and get on the same path.

Once again, we hit what we look at.  What would happen if I choose to look at Kim as God does?  What if I chose to see the one that I vowed to love and cherish for the rest of my life as God does?  What if I see her as God’s creation that has her sins covered by Christ? If she’s perfect in God’s eyes, why can’t I see the same thing?  Hang with me here. You might say, that’s not human and you would be correct. It is our human (sin) nature to find the fault in others. But God challenges us to have our minds renewed.  He says in Romans 12:2 not to conform to the thinking of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. You may not like the method, but the results have made a night and day difference in our marriage.  I can’t imagine this not making a night and day difference in everyone’s marriage.

Still unsure?  What would it hurt to strive for this… to see your spouse as God does.  You might say, “Well, believe me, they don’t see me this way”! It doesn’t matter.  You can be the one to start it. You can be the one to try to see them as God sees them.  I can’t imagine a single negative thing that would come from this. I can, however, imagine many good things coming from it.

Assignments:  

• Only look for positive things in your spouse  
• Only compliment your spouse, never criticize
• Be sure to compliment them often in front of others
• Do something little that they wouldn’t expect
• Don’t be concerned with your rights or equal work
• Do everything you can for them

You can watch this article on video here.